A Different Place
Those of you who read my blog know that it has been quite awhile since I penned anything. There's a reason for that. Most people know me as a pretty carefree soul. Often flying by the seat of my pants. Always up for something fun and laughter is one of my favorite activities. Lately that hasn't been the case. Life has seemed heavy and full of a sadness I cannot lift. Anna, Josh, Charlee and Everett live with us at this time and I often say that the sound of Charlee coming up the steps yelling "Mimi, I'm coming…it's me Charlee Belle!" is the reason I raise my head off the pillow every morning. Lyric and Kora are here on a daily basis and Laura and Braden will bring Oliver into the world in May. Funny how the Lord KNOWS what you need to get by. The reason for this sadness creeps into every part of my being and at times is so overwhelming I find it hard to breath. Some of you are aware that my precious momma suffers from dementia. It is a cruel disease and no one on the face of the earth should have to live through it. But…millions are and do every day. My dad cares for my mom at their home. It is no small feat. He is 87 years old. SHE is the love of his life. He is very protective of her and will be so forever. The patience and love he exhibits is amazing. In the past few years of witnessing this disease that is stealing my momma's memories I have also been extremely blessed to see first hand how a godly marriage should be. Talk about sacrificial… My dad would hate that I used that word but I can think of no other better word to describe what I watch. He is so very careful to protect her honor and dignity. She is first in everything he does. EVERYTHING. He still looks at her with the love in his eyes of a 21 year old. He has loved her all of his life and HE is the most familiar thing left in HER life. During a visit I said to dad "Aren't you ever angry dad that THIS is how life is ending for you and momma?" He looked at me somewhat perplexed. His answer was humbling. "Lou, she is the love of my life and whatever our days are like…they are days that I get to spend with her. No, Lou I'm not mad. I am blessed. Honored to be allowed to love her like she loved me…sacrificially…all those years. There's no anger…just thankfulness." I wish I could say that I am to that point but I struggle with all of this. Bottom line…I miss my momma. She no longer knows me as her daughter. That doesn't stop me from treating her like my mom though…just makes the sadness heavier. I have been privileged in a strange way to be blessed by my father's actions towards my mom. For years I watched my mom take care of my dad as he provided for us. Don't get me wrong…it was always reciprocated by my dad but in a different way. His family has always been a priority when it came to providing for us. They had very traditional roles. Couldn't be more thankful for that. So as usual in my writings…I will ask the obvious. Where am I going with this? As a believer I am told in scripture to give thanks in all circumstances. I stink at that. In my mind I have always interpreted that as being "glad"for all things and to be totally honest "thankfulness" isn't what comes to mind for me when thinking about my momma. However, in recent months the Lord has been teaching me something new. (Imagine that.) He has taught me that in my darkest of days I CAN still praise Him. Does that mean I have to jump up and down and raise my hands in song or tell anyone who will listen that I'm thrilled to carry such a burden. NO. What it means is that He is meeting me in a different place as of late. He is meeting me in my sorrow when I cry out in sadness. He is carrying me to wonderful memories of a wonderful mom when all I can see is today. He allows years of wonderful good times to flood my mind and memory. When tears are all I have to offer His mercy wraps around me like a blanket and calms my spirit. He has drawn me to Him in this sadness. As Amy Grant's song says, our broken, desperate cries to Him are "better than a hallelujah sometimes." The Lord knows my sadness, my grief and my despair. I have never needed Him more than I do right now in my life. Thankfully He knows that too and has not left my side. What are you dealing with today? Are you afraid? Discouraged? Saddened? Brokenhearted? I personally fit all of those adjectives. And you know what? I'm ok with that. The Lord is ok with that. He has known since the beginning of time that my life would be what it is. He ordained it. I believe that with every fiber of my being. He also knows how I struggle to trust and lay this at His feet. For THAT I an also so very thankful for. HE. KNOWS. ME. In Deuteronomy 31:8 the Bible says this "The Lord himself goes BEFORE you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." In the meantime I will continue to treasure the memories of days gone by. I will continue to be thankful for the momma the Lord saw fit to give me. I will continue to rest in His mercy. Without it…tomorrow doesn't matter. "Lord, thank You for the gift of my precious momma and dad. Thank You for the example of amazing love ordained by You that they have for each other. Thank You for allowing me to watch how you bless us even in our sadness, worry and despair. Thank You that You go before me. There is much to be thankful for Lord and today I will meet you in that different place and we'll talk. Just like we do everyday and You will calm my heart for you know me so well. Thank You Lord." And that's what I've learned along the way.
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Kudzu kinda gal...
Recently a local pastor here in Louisville was filling in for our pastor. He preached a sermon out of Luke about the type of soil the Lord's word falls on. It was very good and really got me to thinking. Let me explain...
In Luke the 8th chapter Jesus tells the parable of the Sower. The seed of course is the Good News of Christ, the soil is our hearts. Todd (the pastor) had sort of named these hearts in a way that really made a lot of sense to me. Don't tell me I'm not the only one that has trouble relating to the wording in the Bible sometimes. Apparently I am more the norm and Todd has seen reason to name these in a more understandable way. So here is what he said: The 4 soils are this...1. A Hard Heart also known as a sidewalk heart..much like concrete, dangerous, unable to grow. NOT the heart you want to be stuck with. 2. A Rocky Heart also known as a CHIA (yes, the one you are thinking of) heart. Little roots that have no real foundation or depth. Pretty surface. 3. A Thorny Heart also known as a Kudzu heart. A heart that KNOWS God's word but allows the "stuff of life" to steal God's word. A life of distraction. and 4. A Ready Heart also known as a HEARTLAND HEART. Obviously THIS is the heart you want to have. It is good, ready, faithful and has results. So in a nutshell...the parable makes a lot more sense to me.
Upon listening to Todd's message it occurs to me that I am one if these hearts. I wish I could say that the Heartland Heart had my name written all over it...but alas I would be misleading everyone including myself. So I have to back up and look at the one blinking in BIG RED LETTERS. Sadly...I am a Kudzu heart through and through. You may not know what Kudzu is so let me explain. If you have ever driven through Georgia or Florida or any southern state you will see a viney looking plant that drapes all over trees and plants. It almost looks like a green blanket over everything. It eventually chokes the good growth out. It is everywhere and it's very hard to get rid of.
As I begin evaluating the condition of my heart my mind wanders to the past 3 or so years. I can name off one thing after another that has happened in our lives and in our family. I can go on and on about how this, that and another thing just steals away the time I need to spend with the Lord and I can justify those things...but I feel certain you would see right through me. You see what I have done is allowed the "things" of life to steal not only my joy but the opportunity to serve Him and others simple because I was "taking care of things". It's my job to take care of everybody and for the most part I do pretty well. My motto is "if there is no blood, no one hurt and everyone is still with us as the end of the day...THAT'S a good day."
I don't keep plants indoors for that very reason. I'm doing well to take care of humans. Or am I?
Before I reach around to pat myself on the back I take a closer look at what I really have done.
When overrun with the everyday cares of life I have chosen to look to myself and others instead of the Lord. I have taken credit for things He deserves credit for. I have failed to speak His name when it needed to be spoken...and the list goes on and on and on...
So, here is where I am right this very moment. I'm feeling the need to confess that I am faithless more times than not even tho I know the Word and the Good News. I have caused people to stumble when I am "attending" to everyday life. I have allowed the "stuff of life" to steal God's Word away. The VERY thing that sustains me, encourages me and gives me life I scoot to the back burner. The Lord has really convicted me of this revelation this week as once again the "stuff of life" has threatened to literally take over my thoughts, emotions and my commitment to the Lord. I ALLOW it to happen. It's a choice... MY choice. So once again READY HEART - good...KUDZU HEART - not so good.
I want a ready heart with all my heart. I'm tired of having "the stuff of life" drape all over everything to the point that I fail to see God's hand and grace and mercy. I want to truly trust that HE will take care of all that concerns me without any intervening from me. I want to look around and SEE with His eyes what needs to be done and who needs to be taken care of and most of all I want to be WILLING to do exactly what He calls me to do, not bargain my way around it but really do it. Whatever "it" is.
That brings me to my point. Are you one of these types of hearts? Can God count on you to bear fruit in His name? Are you thorny, hard or rocky? I challenge you to take time and read the parable and let the Lord SHOW you His rich soil that He is waiting to cultivate in your life. Are you willing? TODAY...I am willing. Tomorrow...well that "stuff of life" stuff will be knocking at my heart's door. Will I let it in and allow it to steal my joy in Him or will I be still and wait on Him. I guess I'll see tomorrow. Which by the way...HE holds it in HIS hands...not mine. And that's what I've learned along the way.
In Luke the 8th chapter Jesus tells the parable of the Sower. The seed of course is the Good News of Christ, the soil is our hearts. Todd (the pastor) had sort of named these hearts in a way that really made a lot of sense to me. Don't tell me I'm not the only one that has trouble relating to the wording in the Bible sometimes. Apparently I am more the norm and Todd has seen reason to name these in a more understandable way. So here is what he said: The 4 soils are this...1. A Hard Heart also known as a sidewalk heart..much like concrete, dangerous, unable to grow. NOT the heart you want to be stuck with. 2. A Rocky Heart also known as a CHIA (yes, the one you are thinking of) heart. Little roots that have no real foundation or depth. Pretty surface. 3. A Thorny Heart also known as a Kudzu heart. A heart that KNOWS God's word but allows the "stuff of life" to steal God's word. A life of distraction. and 4. A Ready Heart also known as a HEARTLAND HEART. Obviously THIS is the heart you want to have. It is good, ready, faithful and has results. So in a nutshell...the parable makes a lot more sense to me.
Upon listening to Todd's message it occurs to me that I am one if these hearts. I wish I could say that the Heartland Heart had my name written all over it...but alas I would be misleading everyone including myself. So I have to back up and look at the one blinking in BIG RED LETTERS. Sadly...I am a Kudzu heart through and through. You may not know what Kudzu is so let me explain. If you have ever driven through Georgia or Florida or any southern state you will see a viney looking plant that drapes all over trees and plants. It almost looks like a green blanket over everything. It eventually chokes the good growth out. It is everywhere and it's very hard to get rid of.
As I begin evaluating the condition of my heart my mind wanders to the past 3 or so years. I can name off one thing after another that has happened in our lives and in our family. I can go on and on about how this, that and another thing just steals away the time I need to spend with the Lord and I can justify those things...but I feel certain you would see right through me. You see what I have done is allowed the "things" of life to steal not only my joy but the opportunity to serve Him and others simple because I was "taking care of things". It's my job to take care of everybody and for the most part I do pretty well. My motto is "if there is no blood, no one hurt and everyone is still with us as the end of the day...THAT'S a good day."
I don't keep plants indoors for that very reason. I'm doing well to take care of humans. Or am I?
Before I reach around to pat myself on the back I take a closer look at what I really have done.
When overrun with the everyday cares of life I have chosen to look to myself and others instead of the Lord. I have taken credit for things He deserves credit for. I have failed to speak His name when it needed to be spoken...and the list goes on and on and on...
So, here is where I am right this very moment. I'm feeling the need to confess that I am faithless more times than not even tho I know the Word and the Good News. I have caused people to stumble when I am "attending" to everyday life. I have allowed the "stuff of life" to steal God's Word away. The VERY thing that sustains me, encourages me and gives me life I scoot to the back burner. The Lord has really convicted me of this revelation this week as once again the "stuff of life" has threatened to literally take over my thoughts, emotions and my commitment to the Lord. I ALLOW it to happen. It's a choice... MY choice. So once again READY HEART - good...KUDZU HEART - not so good.
I want a ready heart with all my heart. I'm tired of having "the stuff of life" drape all over everything to the point that I fail to see God's hand and grace and mercy. I want to truly trust that HE will take care of all that concerns me without any intervening from me. I want to look around and SEE with His eyes what needs to be done and who needs to be taken care of and most of all I want to be WILLING to do exactly what He calls me to do, not bargain my way around it but really do it. Whatever "it" is.
That brings me to my point. Are you one of these types of hearts? Can God count on you to bear fruit in His name? Are you thorny, hard or rocky? I challenge you to take time and read the parable and let the Lord SHOW you His rich soil that He is waiting to cultivate in your life. Are you willing? TODAY...I am willing. Tomorrow...well that "stuff of life" stuff will be knocking at my heart's door. Will I let it in and allow it to steal my joy in Him or will I be still and wait on Him. I guess I'll see tomorrow. Which by the way...HE holds it in HIS hands...not mine. And that's what I've learned along the way.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Waiting on Him
At this very moment I am sitting in a hospital room listening to Pauls Aunt Dorothy struggle to take a breath.She is at the end of her life journey. We have been here in this room since Friday waiting for Aunt Dorothy to pass. She hasn't done that yet so we still sit and wait. Paul has not wanted her to die alone and has spent nights here making sure she knew she was not alone. She is quite a lady with quite a story. As far as her story in my life I have come to respect,admire and love her deeply. Did I mention that I've only aquired "niece"status by marrying into it? She HAD to love all of her blood relatives because, you know they are her blood relatives. I had to earn a place In her heart. It helped that her late husband and I got along famously.He was a character and he was the love of her life. When he passed away unexpectedly she was devastated. She really struggled with being alone. We were transferred to Louisville shortly after his death. She had come to love and care for our kids and they were pretty sure she hung the moon. So as we hunted for a home in Louisville we decided to do so with her in mind. We would find a a home with a room for her as well. She came to house hunt with us and always offered her opinions on every house we took her to. When we bought our house there was a room just for her. It was a purple and she loved it. We told her "this is your room. In fact the kids and all of their friends called it that. She would come and spend weeks and holidays with us and it was wonderful. There were many times when the kids would be outside playing and Aunt Dorothy and I would sit and talk. Not just for a short time but for hours. I heard about her life, school,work,family and all the things that made her...her. It was fascinating. The thing I didn't hear about outwardly was her faith. She didn't so much talk about her faith as she lived her faith. She had lived it everyday since about the age of 12. She didn't go around proclaiming it to everyone, she SHOWED everyone what it meant to trust the Lord with her life. It wasn't an easy life but one of trust and believing. So where am I going with this. As I sit here listening to her gasping for every breath I keep finding myself begging the Lord to take her home with Him. To somehow make this easier,for her not to struggle anymore...but then it dawns on me that this is nothing new for Aunt Dorothy. Struggling has always been a part of her life. Struggling was something she has been used to for years in many ways. Struggling was exactly WHY her faith was so obvious. Aunt Dorothy's "redeemer" as she liked to refer to Him,had carried her through every struggle in His timing,love and mercy and tonite...would be no different. He would use this final struggle as a way to glorify Him. So as I sit here listening to her final breaths I am amazed yet again the the Lord would allow me to witness His endless mercy and love. Yes, Aunt Dorothy will meet Jesus very soon and she will be ready, probably alot more ready than most of us. Aunt Dorothy,you have fought the good fight and your reward in heaven is great. I wish I could see the smile on a your face when He looks at you and says "Well done, my good and faithful servant...now come rest." I will miss you so much as will the whole Bruce family. You are irreplaceable. No goodbyes...just see you again. I love you. P.s. would you give Tate and Liam a hug for me and tell them their momma and daddy miss them everyday, their little sister Charlee is a hoot and mimi and pawpaw love them to the moon...and back. "Father, thank You that You chose to bless my life by Aunt Dorothy's life. The way You show Your love to us through others amazes me. Thank You, Thank You."
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Full Circle
As many of you know we welcomed our 4th grandchild into the world this past Monday. Charlee Annabelle Mathews came into the world and into our hearts with great gusto. She is beautiful! Her fingers and toes are the longest I have ever seen. Trust me when I say it will be no problem for me to look and act totally foolish when it comes to her. She is perfect in every way. We feel very blessed.
As with most births there is alot of excitement and anticipation involved and this birth was no different...in that sense. But there were some unique differences in how Charlees birth unfolded. Let me explain.
Anna's labor was actually very easy. (I can say that because: a. I am her mom and b. I have gone through labor myself and her's was a breeze compared to mine!) In no time at all we were looking Charlee in the face and celebrating her arrival with great joy. After the alotted time for 'mommy/daddy bonding time' Anna and Josh were transferred to the 3rd floor. They were put in a room at the end of a long hall that we all agreed was the smallest room in the hospital. But that was not what made it unique. You see they were taken to room 331. For most people room 331 would hold no significance...but for Anna and Josh room 331 held alot of signifigance. A year and a half earlier it was in this room that Anna and Josh would also be taken to wait for news about Tate and Liam. It was in this room that they recieved updates on their progress and setbacks. It was in this room that Anna was asked to pump the only nourishment the boys would recieve in their short time here on earth. It was in this room that Josh would return numerous times to Anna's side after seeing and checking on the boys to give her a run down on how they looked and what was going on. It was in this room that they realized their boys would probably not ever come home. It was in this room that Anna was frantically rushed up to the NICU only to be told that both boys would not make it.
It dawned on all of us as they wheeled Anna into room 331 that perhaps this wasn't a good idea and we should petition the nurses to move them somewhere else....but we didn't. Instead, it was mentioned that this would be okay. Okay because we had come 'full circle'. We could be in this room and be fine because as Anna put it "God has been so faithful...We will get to take this baby 'home'." And she was right. God had been so faithful and room 331 was a wonderful reminder that our Lord had never left our sides. In fact He had walked before ALL of this and had prepared Anna and Josh for THIS amazing day. In a room where at one time sadness and grief hung in the air, joy and elation took over. Thankfulness was abounding and His love and mercy was very evident.
There are events in your life that you never forget and they change you forever. The death of Tate and Liam was one of those for me. For the past year there has been one scene etched in my mind and heart. It was the night that Anna and Josh had to tell the boys goodbye for the last time. Anna and Josh laid in her bed together together and asked Paul to take a 'family picture' of them with the boys. He did. THAT picture has been stamped in my brain...Anna and Josh holding 2 lifeless little bodies with only a memory of what might have been. THIS week as Anna sat on the bed loving on Charlee she looked at me and said "mom, her breath is intoxicating and the best part is...we get to take her home." Wow...intoxicating? Suddenly it made perfect sense to me. Of course her breath was intoxicting. Here in Anna's arms was this precious baby that was responding to her and breathing on her and depending on her for sustinance. Yes, intoxicating was a good word. And so room 331 was okay. Room 331 was actually somewhat healing. Room 331 was where Anna and Josh once again experienced God's unlimited mercy. Yes, we had come full circle....and we had survived. In Ecclesiastes 3:4 scripture says "a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,...". As you all know I LOVE to dance and it is time! It is time to rejoice, to come 'full circle'. I pray you have come 'full circle' many times in your life. Times when you can look back and be thankful that the Lord has brought you to 'this place'. This place of the 'FULL CIRCLE'. Because 'full circle' to me means that at the end of the day the Lord has once again proven that YOU are THAT important to HIM. He knows you hurt and will, can and DOES turn your mourning into dancing again!!! And that's what I've learned along the way....excuse me but Lyric just got here and we have some dancing to do...we are celebrating!
As with most births there is alot of excitement and anticipation involved and this birth was no different...in that sense. But there were some unique differences in how Charlees birth unfolded. Let me explain.
Anna's labor was actually very easy. (I can say that because: a. I am her mom and b. I have gone through labor myself and her's was a breeze compared to mine!) In no time at all we were looking Charlee in the face and celebrating her arrival with great joy. After the alotted time for 'mommy/daddy bonding time' Anna and Josh were transferred to the 3rd floor. They were put in a room at the end of a long hall that we all agreed was the smallest room in the hospital. But that was not what made it unique. You see they were taken to room 331. For most people room 331 would hold no significance...but for Anna and Josh room 331 held alot of signifigance. A year and a half earlier it was in this room that Anna and Josh would also be taken to wait for news about Tate and Liam. It was in this room that they recieved updates on their progress and setbacks. It was in this room that Anna was asked to pump the only nourishment the boys would recieve in their short time here on earth. It was in this room that Josh would return numerous times to Anna's side after seeing and checking on the boys to give her a run down on how they looked and what was going on. It was in this room that they realized their boys would probably not ever come home. It was in this room that Anna was frantically rushed up to the NICU only to be told that both boys would not make it.
It dawned on all of us as they wheeled Anna into room 331 that perhaps this wasn't a good idea and we should petition the nurses to move them somewhere else....but we didn't. Instead, it was mentioned that this would be okay. Okay because we had come 'full circle'. We could be in this room and be fine because as Anna put it "God has been so faithful...We will get to take this baby 'home'." And she was right. God had been so faithful and room 331 was a wonderful reminder that our Lord had never left our sides. In fact He had walked before ALL of this and had prepared Anna and Josh for THIS amazing day. In a room where at one time sadness and grief hung in the air, joy and elation took over. Thankfulness was abounding and His love and mercy was very evident.
There are events in your life that you never forget and they change you forever. The death of Tate and Liam was one of those for me. For the past year there has been one scene etched in my mind and heart. It was the night that Anna and Josh had to tell the boys goodbye for the last time. Anna and Josh laid in her bed together together and asked Paul to take a 'family picture' of them with the boys. He did. THAT picture has been stamped in my brain...Anna and Josh holding 2 lifeless little bodies with only a memory of what might have been. THIS week as Anna sat on the bed loving on Charlee she looked at me and said "mom, her breath is intoxicating and the best part is...we get to take her home." Wow...intoxicating? Suddenly it made perfect sense to me. Of course her breath was intoxicting. Here in Anna's arms was this precious baby that was responding to her and breathing on her and depending on her for sustinance. Yes, intoxicating was a good word. And so room 331 was okay. Room 331 was actually somewhat healing. Room 331 was where Anna and Josh once again experienced God's unlimited mercy. Yes, we had come full circle....and we had survived. In Ecclesiastes 3:4 scripture says "a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,...". As you all know I LOVE to dance and it is time! It is time to rejoice, to come 'full circle'. I pray you have come 'full circle' many times in your life. Times when you can look back and be thankful that the Lord has brought you to 'this place'. This place of the 'FULL CIRCLE'. Because 'full circle' to me means that at the end of the day the Lord has once again proven that YOU are THAT important to HIM. He knows you hurt and will, can and DOES turn your mourning into dancing again!!! And that's what I've learned along the way....excuse me but Lyric just got here and we have some dancing to do...we are celebrating!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
My Unsung Hero
It's Mother's Day weekend and I feel compelled to tell you about my very own unsung hero.She has been my biggest fan since I was born.She has put more rollers in my hair than you can shake a stick at.She has given me enough perms to change the DNA in my brain.She has critiqued thousands of outfits as I was walking out the door,never missing the chance to help me perfect said outfit.She has helped me lose millions of unwanted pounds over the years.She has advised me on bad haircuts and useless ex-boyfriends.Many of these things are probably all things most of you can relate to with your own momma.So I will move on to the good stuff, to the stuff that formed who and what I am,the stuff that I think about everyday of my life,the stuff I am so very thankful she took time to teach me.
My parents have been married 60-plus years.At this point you would expect me to say that there were rocky years involved but that wouldn't be true.There were NO rocky years. All of their years have been filled with a love that had no boundaries.And as a girl growing up I watched very carefully HOW my momma loved my daddy and HOW she loved us 4 girls.
There were no favorites where my momma was concerned. I was the youngest of 4 girls.We are very similar yet also very different.My momma used to say that and I believed her. She always knew what each of us needed to thrive and succeed.She encouraged every endeavor we ever undertook.(even my sister trying her hand at the cello.)She would make each of us feel as tho we were the best thing since sliced bread. When I was still too little to go to school I spent my days alone with my momma. I loved it!When you come from a family of 6... alone time with your parents was a wonderful thing. We would eat tomato soup for lunch and watch "As The World Turns". I thought those people were real. I kinda think my momma did too.We would watch on the edge of our seats. As soon as the credits would roll momma would say "That show is so silly. I really don't know why I watch it." But the very next day we would watch it again. I didn't care tho, cause it meant time spent with her.
Momma taught us so much about taking care of who we loved. Everyday my dad would come home at 5:45.At 5:00 she would change her clothes, straighten her hair and then proceed to round all of us up to do the same.She would tell us how we needed to look nice for daddy cause he worked so hard.She was right, he DID work so hard.She was HIS number one fan and he was hers. (still is...) She glowed when he came through the door and he would sweep her up in his arms and kiss her with a wonderful kiss. The kind that you remember even as an adult. He would tease with her and love on her in front of us. He respected her way of keeping the house and how she cared for us.He was crazy about her and she was crazy about him. And when he would get home, dinner was always ready and 4 little girls were ready as well. Ready to worship and adore their daddy.We knew what dad did and how hard he worked and momma never missed a chance to tell us how important he was to her.They laughed alot and she ALWAYS asked how work was at the end of the day. She respected all of his decisions and he was the head of our home. Momma knew her Bible and I often heard her and daddy reading together in the evening or morning when they had quiet time. It is still a sweet site to see them continuing that same practice to this day.
I'm sure you are wondering the point of all these memories.Watching mom live her everyday life with my dad and our family I learned alot.I learned that her relationship with the Lord was the most important relationship she had.She was devoted to my dad. Actually devoted is probably somewhat of an understatement.She was never more happy than when he was (and still is) at her side.She was never more proud than when the 4 of us girls sang.She would practice us for hours. If it was worth doing then it was worth doing well! She would take great pride in being asked if we could sing somewhere.We knew how proud of us she was because she would tell us so.She knew every single insecurity each of us had and had a way of encouraging us BEYOND those insecurities.She was proud of every endeavor we tried.She laughed when it would have been easier to cry.In fact one of her favorite sayings (especially after an exceptionally painful break-up and there were many) was "Someday you'll laugh about this," I can remember thinking "is she kidding?" But she was right. Granted it might have been a year or two or more but laughing was always the best medicine. In fact...there was ALWAYS alot of laughter in our home. She taught me that no matter the situaion or delimma...you should pray. Pray about everything. Not just the big things but the most minute things as well. She would say "If you learn to pray about the littlest things then you will always pray about the big things.Don't ever doubt that the Lord cares about every detail of your life." I don't doubt it in the least, not now,not ever.
I guess you get the drift of things here.Please know that I KNOW how blessed I have been and am. I know that from the beginning of time the Lord knew that only Norma Frances Elizabeth Holsapple Clark could raise me,encourage me, teach me, love me, discipline me,show me how to love a husband,how to be devoted to the Lord,teach me songs that only a momma could know,laugh until my sides hurt,always cook for more people than you expect,make sure your door is always open,be an amazing grandma (mimi) because the rules are always more fun with "Annie" than anyone else, have p.j. parties after the age of 70,dance on the table if you feel like it singing "I'm too sexy for my nightgown...", cry when your daughter needs you to mourn with her,rejoice when a grandchild figures out that they "want Jesus in their heart" and need to talk to grandpa....and so on and so on.
There are no words to say thank you enough to my momma. She has loved me through thick and thin,laughter and unbearable sorrow and everyday life as we know it.She has and will always be my very own unsung hero. Cause a true hero will never toot her own horn.That's for me to do. I love you momma. You are irreplaceable.You are a precious gift that I treasure everyday. Thank you for teaching me when you didn't know you were.The lessons I learned are timeless.I can only hope that someday....my kids will say "mom was so much like Annie." Now THAT would be the highest compliment i could ever recieve. And that's what I've learned along the way......Happy Mother's Day everyone.
My parents have been married 60-plus years.At this point you would expect me to say that there were rocky years involved but that wouldn't be true.There were NO rocky years. All of their years have been filled with a love that had no boundaries.And as a girl growing up I watched very carefully HOW my momma loved my daddy and HOW she loved us 4 girls.
There were no favorites where my momma was concerned. I was the youngest of 4 girls.We are very similar yet also very different.My momma used to say that and I believed her. She always knew what each of us needed to thrive and succeed.She encouraged every endeavor we ever undertook.(even my sister trying her hand at the cello.)She would make each of us feel as tho we were the best thing since sliced bread. When I was still too little to go to school I spent my days alone with my momma. I loved it!When you come from a family of 6... alone time with your parents was a wonderful thing. We would eat tomato soup for lunch and watch "As The World Turns". I thought those people were real. I kinda think my momma did too.We would watch on the edge of our seats. As soon as the credits would roll momma would say "That show is so silly. I really don't know why I watch it." But the very next day we would watch it again. I didn't care tho, cause it meant time spent with her.
Momma taught us so much about taking care of who we loved. Everyday my dad would come home at 5:45.At 5:00 she would change her clothes, straighten her hair and then proceed to round all of us up to do the same.She would tell us how we needed to look nice for daddy cause he worked so hard.She was right, he DID work so hard.She was HIS number one fan and he was hers. (still is...) She glowed when he came through the door and he would sweep her up in his arms and kiss her with a wonderful kiss. The kind that you remember even as an adult. He would tease with her and love on her in front of us. He respected her way of keeping the house and how she cared for us.He was crazy about her and she was crazy about him. And when he would get home, dinner was always ready and 4 little girls were ready as well. Ready to worship and adore their daddy.We knew what dad did and how hard he worked and momma never missed a chance to tell us how important he was to her.They laughed alot and she ALWAYS asked how work was at the end of the day. She respected all of his decisions and he was the head of our home. Momma knew her Bible and I often heard her and daddy reading together in the evening or morning when they had quiet time. It is still a sweet site to see them continuing that same practice to this day.
I'm sure you are wondering the point of all these memories.Watching mom live her everyday life with my dad and our family I learned alot.I learned that her relationship with the Lord was the most important relationship she had.She was devoted to my dad. Actually devoted is probably somewhat of an understatement.She was never more happy than when he was (and still is) at her side.She was never more proud than when the 4 of us girls sang.She would practice us for hours. If it was worth doing then it was worth doing well! She would take great pride in being asked if we could sing somewhere.We knew how proud of us she was because she would tell us so.She knew every single insecurity each of us had and had a way of encouraging us BEYOND those insecurities.She was proud of every endeavor we tried.She laughed when it would have been easier to cry.In fact one of her favorite sayings (especially after an exceptionally painful break-up and there were many) was "Someday you'll laugh about this," I can remember thinking "is she kidding?" But she was right. Granted it might have been a year or two or more but laughing was always the best medicine. In fact...there was ALWAYS alot of laughter in our home. She taught me that no matter the situaion or delimma...you should pray. Pray about everything. Not just the big things but the most minute things as well. She would say "If you learn to pray about the littlest things then you will always pray about the big things.Don't ever doubt that the Lord cares about every detail of your life." I don't doubt it in the least, not now,not ever.
I guess you get the drift of things here.Please know that I KNOW how blessed I have been and am. I know that from the beginning of time the Lord knew that only Norma Frances Elizabeth Holsapple Clark could raise me,encourage me, teach me, love me, discipline me,show me how to love a husband,how to be devoted to the Lord,teach me songs that only a momma could know,laugh until my sides hurt,always cook for more people than you expect,make sure your door is always open,be an amazing grandma (mimi) because the rules are always more fun with "Annie" than anyone else, have p.j. parties after the age of 70,dance on the table if you feel like it singing "I'm too sexy for my nightgown...", cry when your daughter needs you to mourn with her,rejoice when a grandchild figures out that they "want Jesus in their heart" and need to talk to grandpa....and so on and so on.
There are no words to say thank you enough to my momma. She has loved me through thick and thin,laughter and unbearable sorrow and everyday life as we know it.She has and will always be my very own unsung hero. Cause a true hero will never toot her own horn.That's for me to do. I love you momma. You are irreplaceable.You are a precious gift that I treasure everyday. Thank you for teaching me when you didn't know you were.The lessons I learned are timeless.I can only hope that someday....my kids will say "mom was so much like Annie." Now THAT would be the highest compliment i could ever recieve. And that's what I've learned along the way......Happy Mother's Day everyone.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
A House is JUST a house.......
This past weekend a friend of ours from college was in town.He was traveling with his precious momma.We got in touch with him and invited them out for a visit.When they arrived, Anna and Josh were out in the driveway painting furniture for their new apartment, Clark was out there as well hitting dirt around with a hockey stick.(once a hockey player...always a hockey player) The kids all walked over to meet them. We all talked outside for a bit and then we brought our friends inside for our visit. When we walked in and got settled our friends' mom said "So...WHO does live here?" Paul and I started laughing. I answered "everyone you just met." We then proceeded to sing Lyric's praises and show them the shrine we built to her. It dawned on me as we sat there that her question was actually a really good one.
The word "live" came back to my mind over and over. Because "live" is exactly what has been done in this house for the many years. We have laughed and cried, we have brought home new pets and cars and boyfriends and girlfriends and friends.We have stood around the piano and sang and played the flute and saxophone and guitar.We even tried our hand at the drums. (lol)
We have painted the walls many different colors,have moved the furniture to many different places and moved the kids from one bedroom to another to another and another. We have gone from decorating with Minnie Mouse and Sports memorabilia to much classier, more contemporary looks.
We have torn down walls,put in new windows,floors, doors and cabinets.We have replaced refrigerators, dish washers, sinks, stoves and microstoves.
We have sat around a 10 foot long kitchen table with family, friends,strangers and had countless meals filled laughter,tears and loooong talks about everything from A to Z. We've shared good meals and bad meals. We have ordered more pizzas than I can count and made more batches of brownies than I care to remember. We have walked around our table praying endlessly for our precious Will when his lips would turn blue.
We have prayed endlessly,debated repeatedly, argued over and over and dried many tears. Laura announced her profession of faith while sitting on our bed. Clark was told about the facts of life while hiding his head under our blanket. Anna has cried many tears about many things while lying across our bed. Paul and I have cried heartfelt agonizing tears over the death of our sister-in-law while sitting at the foot of our bed.We were giddy over the birth of Lyric.Could'nt believe that Clark and Kerrie had given all of us such an amazing gift. We fell apart the night Anna went into labor in the basement and the ambulance took her and Josh away.We felt we would not be able to go on when 9 hours later Tate and Liam went home to be with the Lord.We mourned everyday over the look of undeniable anguish on Anna and Josh's faces as they healed. We prayed endlessly for just the courage to keep going. We rejoiced at the sound of laughter when it came back into the house after such a loss.
We have LIVED life in this "house". There have been so many times when it would have been understandable to hole up in this house and let the bad things take over us. That has not happened. Here is why...In John 10:10 the Bible says "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have LIFE, and have it to the FULL." Some translations use the word "abundantly". I love that word because THAT is what we have done. We have LIVED IT MORE ABUNDANTLY. Not by our own doing but BECAUSE HE came to give us life. LIFE to be lived. Pain, suffering,hurt, death and loss are all a part of LIFE.Without those things we would not know Him and His love for us.
So I think back to the original question and I am SO very thankful for WHO lives here and HOW we have lived. Not perfectly by any stretch of the imagination but with HOPE. Hope...knowing that THIS life is temporary and meant to be lived. Meant to tell others about your hope. Meant to LIVE OUT YOUR HOPE. So...who LIVES in your house? And that's what I've learned along the way...
The word "live" came back to my mind over and over. Because "live" is exactly what has been done in this house for the many years. We have laughed and cried, we have brought home new pets and cars and boyfriends and girlfriends and friends.We have stood around the piano and sang and played the flute and saxophone and guitar.We even tried our hand at the drums. (lol)
We have painted the walls many different colors,have moved the furniture to many different places and moved the kids from one bedroom to another to another and another. We have gone from decorating with Minnie Mouse and Sports memorabilia to much classier, more contemporary looks.
We have torn down walls,put in new windows,floors, doors and cabinets.We have replaced refrigerators, dish washers, sinks, stoves and microstoves.
We have sat around a 10 foot long kitchen table with family, friends,strangers and had countless meals filled laughter,tears and loooong talks about everything from A to Z. We've shared good meals and bad meals. We have ordered more pizzas than I can count and made more batches of brownies than I care to remember. We have walked around our table praying endlessly for our precious Will when his lips would turn blue.
We have prayed endlessly,debated repeatedly, argued over and over and dried many tears. Laura announced her profession of faith while sitting on our bed. Clark was told about the facts of life while hiding his head under our blanket. Anna has cried many tears about many things while lying across our bed. Paul and I have cried heartfelt agonizing tears over the death of our sister-in-law while sitting at the foot of our bed.We were giddy over the birth of Lyric.Could'nt believe that Clark and Kerrie had given all of us such an amazing gift. We fell apart the night Anna went into labor in the basement and the ambulance took her and Josh away.We felt we would not be able to go on when 9 hours later Tate and Liam went home to be with the Lord.We mourned everyday over the look of undeniable anguish on Anna and Josh's faces as they healed. We prayed endlessly for just the courage to keep going. We rejoiced at the sound of laughter when it came back into the house after such a loss.
We have LIVED life in this "house". There have been so many times when it would have been understandable to hole up in this house and let the bad things take over us. That has not happened. Here is why...In John 10:10 the Bible says "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have LIFE, and have it to the FULL." Some translations use the word "abundantly". I love that word because THAT is what we have done. We have LIVED IT MORE ABUNDANTLY. Not by our own doing but BECAUSE HE came to give us life. LIFE to be lived. Pain, suffering,hurt, death and loss are all a part of LIFE.Without those things we would not know Him and His love for us.
So I think back to the original question and I am SO very thankful for WHO lives here and HOW we have lived. Not perfectly by any stretch of the imagination but with HOPE. Hope...knowing that THIS life is temporary and meant to be lived. Meant to tell others about your hope. Meant to LIVE OUT YOUR HOPE. So...who LIVES in your house? And that's what I've learned along the way...
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Blind Faith
Recently I've have been under attack by satan.Nothing new for any of us but I was confronted with HOW I should deal with the attack.It occurred to me that we really DO have a choice on HOW we respond to what satan doles out.
It is so easy to get caught up in the "I can fix it" mode. I am so guilty of trying to take the reins and circle the wagons and hunker down for the rough weather coming but in reality I am pulling myself away from the One who ordained that day, my life and the situation. The older I get I also find that I can cause myself to feel more desperate if things don't start changing.Desperation is a dangerous thing. I think that at times it allows you to feel alot more important than you are. As if you could move heaven and earth to accomplish what YOU think is right. For years I havc presumed that I could handle things better than the Lord could. I swooped in over and over "saving" my children from things the Lord needed to teach them. Always thinking it was the right thing to do because I'd "been through" things and had the experience to teach them.Sadly that is not how life works. Instead the Lord gently and lovingly allows us to fall, stumble, sink and sometimes wallow in the mess we've made so the the NEED for Him will be more powerful. I can remember the night the boys were born, Josh woke me up to tell me Anna's water had broken.I leapt out of bed and went into "I am here to save the day" mode. Tragically my "save the day" skills were less than effective.We were put in a place of TOTAL reliance on the Lord. In other words...blind faith.For the next 9 hours we waited and prayed and begged the Lord to make this have a wonderful outcome.In reality...the boys were too weak to survive all they had been through.So again we were put in a place of blind faith.The day we buried the boys is and will probably always be a blur. I remember making sure the kids were ok, that everyone got fed, bills were paid, the house kept running...and so on and so on. My initial instinct was to lay down,curl up in a fetal position and wait for life to get better. I am SO glad I didn't do that. If I had chosen that I would have missed all the things the Lord had for me to learn. I would have sheltered the kids from the unmeasurable mercy they got to experience.
Sometimes my heart hurt so badly I could barely breath...but I DID keep breathing. I felt a peace I couldn't explain. Sometimes the agony on Anna and Josh's faces was so unbearable that I wanted to scream...but I didn't.The Holy Spirit eeked out the words I couldn't find to pray for those kids.Sometimes Paul and I would fall apart at the drop of a hat. The pain in our chest was so heavy that we felt we couldn't take a breathe without breaking....but we DID breathe and made it to the next day.
There have been so many times in THIS year alone that have required ONLY blind faith. Am I good at it? No. Not always. Usually not, in fact I still find myself thinking "ok...here we go again. What do I need to do to fix this?". I am so thankful that I have a loving heavenly Father that prods me to lean on Him...not just a little but to fall helplessly into His arms...for when I am THAT weak...HE is so very strong and I am so very pliable.
I love the song "Potter's Hands". The songs speaks of the Lord "taking, using and molding" us into ALL He needs us to be. He never calls us to be what WE want to be. He already KNOWS what we are capable of being. He created us! We can only be pliable when we are submissive to His will and NOT our own. It's funny to me how in my mind I have an idea or dream of what and how my life ought to be. I am here to tell you that more times than not YOUR idea of what your life should be and what the Lord WANTS your life to be are two totally different things. It requires total trust or blind faith that the creator of the universe KNOWS better than you do. He has known since the beginning of time ALL that IS happening or is going to happen. He loves us more than we can even imagine and wants nothing more than to show us that love.
So I guess we're back to the question of blind faith. Do you trust Him with your life, with your kids, with everything? I'd be lying if I said I find it "easy". It's not easy. It's giving up yourself, even giving up your desires....dying to yourself. Man,why IS that so hard? I may never know but in the meantime...I will continue to trust that HE knows what's best for me,for my family,for my life. I will strive to step back and let Him wrap His arms around whatever concerns me. I will continue to desire His will and not my own. For me to do ANY of this I will need for Him to be bigger than me. Pray for me and I will pray for you..because as I see it, relenquishment of MY will and blind faith is the hardest part. And that's what I've learned along the way.
It is so easy to get caught up in the "I can fix it" mode. I am so guilty of trying to take the reins and circle the wagons and hunker down for the rough weather coming but in reality I am pulling myself away from the One who ordained that day, my life and the situation. The older I get I also find that I can cause myself to feel more desperate if things don't start changing.Desperation is a dangerous thing. I think that at times it allows you to feel alot more important than you are. As if you could move heaven and earth to accomplish what YOU think is right. For years I havc presumed that I could handle things better than the Lord could. I swooped in over and over "saving" my children from things the Lord needed to teach them. Always thinking it was the right thing to do because I'd "been through" things and had the experience to teach them.Sadly that is not how life works. Instead the Lord gently and lovingly allows us to fall, stumble, sink and sometimes wallow in the mess we've made so the the NEED for Him will be more powerful. I can remember the night the boys were born, Josh woke me up to tell me Anna's water had broken.I leapt out of bed and went into "I am here to save the day" mode. Tragically my "save the day" skills were less than effective.We were put in a place of TOTAL reliance on the Lord. In other words...blind faith.For the next 9 hours we waited and prayed and begged the Lord to make this have a wonderful outcome.In reality...the boys were too weak to survive all they had been through.So again we were put in a place of blind faith.The day we buried the boys is and will probably always be a blur. I remember making sure the kids were ok, that everyone got fed, bills were paid, the house kept running...and so on and so on. My initial instinct was to lay down,curl up in a fetal position and wait for life to get better. I am SO glad I didn't do that. If I had chosen that I would have missed all the things the Lord had for me to learn. I would have sheltered the kids from the unmeasurable mercy they got to experience.
Sometimes my heart hurt so badly I could barely breath...but I DID keep breathing. I felt a peace I couldn't explain. Sometimes the agony on Anna and Josh's faces was so unbearable that I wanted to scream...but I didn't.The Holy Spirit eeked out the words I couldn't find to pray for those kids.Sometimes Paul and I would fall apart at the drop of a hat. The pain in our chest was so heavy that we felt we couldn't take a breathe without breaking....but we DID breathe and made it to the next day.
There have been so many times in THIS year alone that have required ONLY blind faith. Am I good at it? No. Not always. Usually not, in fact I still find myself thinking "ok...here we go again. What do I need to do to fix this?". I am so thankful that I have a loving heavenly Father that prods me to lean on Him...not just a little but to fall helplessly into His arms...for when I am THAT weak...HE is so very strong and I am so very pliable.
I love the song "Potter's Hands". The songs speaks of the Lord "taking, using and molding" us into ALL He needs us to be. He never calls us to be what WE want to be. He already KNOWS what we are capable of being. He created us! We can only be pliable when we are submissive to His will and NOT our own. It's funny to me how in my mind I have an idea or dream of what and how my life ought to be. I am here to tell you that more times than not YOUR idea of what your life should be and what the Lord WANTS your life to be are two totally different things. It requires total trust or blind faith that the creator of the universe KNOWS better than you do. He has known since the beginning of time ALL that IS happening or is going to happen. He loves us more than we can even imagine and wants nothing more than to show us that love.
So I guess we're back to the question of blind faith. Do you trust Him with your life, with your kids, with everything? I'd be lying if I said I find it "easy". It's not easy. It's giving up yourself, even giving up your desires....dying to yourself. Man,why IS that so hard? I may never know but in the meantime...I will continue to trust that HE knows what's best for me,for my family,for my life. I will strive to step back and let Him wrap His arms around whatever concerns me. I will continue to desire His will and not my own. For me to do ANY of this I will need for Him to be bigger than me. Pray for me and I will pray for you..because as I see it, relenquishment of MY will and blind faith is the hardest part. And that's what I've learned along the way.
Monday, December 27, 2010
"Down At Your Feet, Oh Lord..."
I remember when my kids were young and they would get hurt. That is a terrible feeling. As a parent you want fix things. Back then I could do that with a bandaid and a kiss. Not only were they satisfied but the feeling of being able to make their world better, as only YOU could was remarkable. In their little heads you were like a rock star. Those were the days. What made me think of this on this evening? Well, tonite my heart is hurting and aching far beyond anything I could have imagined when they were young and "fixing" things for them was so easy.
Over the past year our family has struggled alot. No, struggle is not unique to just us but the things that took place were somewhat uniquely devastating.A personal struggle for me is letting go. I'm not good at it. In fact...I stink at it. In past postings I have shared that the Lord quite often deals with me through the use of my kids and once again there is a lesson for me to learn. Hard-headedness is not a good trait but I am known for it. I struggle daily with relenqishment. Why is that? Is my faith that weak, my trust in Him that small? What is it?
When I was growing up I would go to my dad with a concern and his first respomse to me was first and always..."Have you been spending enough time with the Lord Lou?" (that was his nickname for me from childhood due to a short haircut that went awry...long story) Why did he always ask me that? It used to frustrate me that he would'nt just tell me the answer I wanted to hear to the problem I was having. He didn't do that tho...instead he pointed me to THE answer. It wasn't a "quick fix"...it was a lifestyle. A lifestyle that to this day I struggle with daily. There are days I am certain I can handle far better than the Lord. Laughable when you consider that He created the day and KNOWS what is holds.
But tonite, I am back at that place where I need to seek THE answer not what I want the answer to be. I can't change things I don't hand over to the Lord. You would think that at age 53 this would be no great revelation...but as I said earlier I am working hard at relenquishment. A daily exercise that HAS to include me at my Savior's feet RELENQUISHING all that concerns me. So tonight, tho my heart is heavy, I will once again attempt to lay it all at His feet...because afterall...He KNOWS the end of the story. I am just a part of it.And that's what I've learned along the way.
Over the past year our family has struggled alot. No, struggle is not unique to just us but the things that took place were somewhat uniquely devastating.A personal struggle for me is letting go. I'm not good at it. In fact...I stink at it. In past postings I have shared that the Lord quite often deals with me through the use of my kids and once again there is a lesson for me to learn. Hard-headedness is not a good trait but I am known for it. I struggle daily with relenqishment. Why is that? Is my faith that weak, my trust in Him that small? What is it?
When I was growing up I would go to my dad with a concern and his first respomse to me was first and always..."Have you been spending enough time with the Lord Lou?" (that was his nickname for me from childhood due to a short haircut that went awry...long story) Why did he always ask me that? It used to frustrate me that he would'nt just tell me the answer I wanted to hear to the problem I was having. He didn't do that tho...instead he pointed me to THE answer. It wasn't a "quick fix"...it was a lifestyle. A lifestyle that to this day I struggle with daily. There are days I am certain I can handle far better than the Lord. Laughable when you consider that He created the day and KNOWS what is holds.
But tonite, I am back at that place where I need to seek THE answer not what I want the answer to be. I can't change things I don't hand over to the Lord. You would think that at age 53 this would be no great revelation...but as I said earlier I am working hard at relenquishment. A daily exercise that HAS to include me at my Savior's feet RELENQUISHING all that concerns me. So tonight, tho my heart is heavy, I will once again attempt to lay it all at His feet...because afterall...He KNOWS the end of the story. I am just a part of it.And that's what I've learned along the way.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Why Am I Here?
Been doing alot of thinking lately.It's a dangerous thing for me.Sometimes my mind ponders so many things that it is hard to put my thoughts to words.I'm not one of those people that make snap decisions about anything. Instead I think and I think and I think. Clark started that at a very young age and I remember wondering why he was like that.....hmmm, guess the apple doesn't fall far from that tree. Anyway, there's been alot going on in our home. Some good and some not so good. Our granddaughter makes the sun shine a little brighter and my step a little lighter. I feel so very blessed to have this time with her at such a young age. She is such a treasure, But I also know this is a very crucial time with her. As the mother of grown children I have come to realize that there are many times when your kids are young that you literally waste valuable time that should be spent teaching them valuable life lessons.There are many things I would do over if given the chance. For example: I would do a better job at teaching them to love others as Christ does. Not to judge but to see the best in others. I would be more diligent in teaching them to be kinder to others. You never know what people are going through. You never know what hurts they have.Bottom line...you never know. I would take more time TEACHING them to be respectful, to be considerate, to be more loving to the people that are hard to love. I'd do better teaching them that the way people dress has no bearing on who they are. I'd spend more time teaching them that EVERY detail of our life is important to God.I'd work harder at teaching them that they should respect themselves beacuse they belong to Him. They are precious masterpeices.I would teach them earlier to start praying at a young age for the mate the Lord has for them. He created us and is concerned about all that concerns us.I'd make sure they were watching when Paul and I were kidding with each other and enjoying each other's company. I would be more vocal about how much I love their father and how much he sacrifices everyday to take care of us.I would teach them to think more about others than they think about themselves. I would teach them to be wiser than I was with money.I would teach them to give more freely and expect nothing but God's blessings for doing it. My list goes on and on as you can see. But the bottom line is this...I don't get any "do-overs".All those days and hours I wasted are gone. All that time I didn't think I had to spend with them back then is lost. Are you wondering what my point is? Well, here it is.God is not a god of coincidence. He is a god of purpose. He has a purpose for me and for you. Before the beginning of time He ordained it that I would be the mother of Clark, Anna and Laura. He knew there would be things I succeeded at and things I would need to work on. He knew my failures and rejoiced when His plan was accomplished through me for Him. He wanted me to do a better job at teaching these things better than I did. He thought I was the best person for the job.All that to say, don't waste your days, your hours, your minutes. Ask the Lord to show you what His purpose is for you, not only with your kids but with your life. Where does He need you to be and what does He want you to do? Don't make the mistakes I've made and look back wishing you could have some "do-overs" with your children or all the important people in your life. Time is a precious commodity and we never put the value on it that it should have.The only true "do-overs" we will ever get are the second, third and fourth chances the Lord gives us everyday.That is nothing more than His grace. And THAT my friend is what I've learned along the way...take it for what it's worth.
Monday, August 30, 2010
I went home this weekend to spend some time with our family. I often comment about the fact that I am always surprised when at age 53 I still get homesick. Homesick for the sights, smells and sounds of the home I grew up in. I long to walk in the door and see my daddy sitting in "his" chair, socks off, feet crossed, catching up on the latest Cardinal stats. A walk in the door is welcomed with "Greetings sports fans!".Yep, that's exactly what he says. Momma is seated on the blue sofa, because most of her house is blue. She likes blue...bottom line. Her house has always been pristine (I did NOT get that gene). Everything perfectly placed and polished yet so very welcoming. My home was often the hangout for many kids over the years.Anyway...momma's on the sofa working her "WORD JUMBLE" in the paper. Her glasses are slidden slightly down her nose and her well worn dictionary is sitting close by. She often has a blue throw over her lap. Unlike me...momma is cold all the time. She's a wonderful sight for my eyes. When I walk into this house after 40-something years I AM HOME. I sometimes forget I'm a grown adult with my own kids and grandchildren. I am transported back to 9th grade when we moved into this house.
I often wonder why this place is so comforting for me. As most of you know, life here at the Bruce's has been anything but boring since September of 2009. That is when we found out that Lyric would be making an appearance in December. I will be honest in saying it was a shock and surprise and a wonderful blessing all in one. So we waitied for the blessed event. During our "wait" Anna and Josh got engaged. That was something to celebrate as well! A date was set and plans started to evolve. The first weekend of December Anna woke me in the early hours. She needed to talk. Looking back, the Lord prepared me for that very early morning "talk". He had prepared me 4 months earlier. Anna and Josh were expecting a child as well. Again...shock and surprise and a wonderful blessing all in one. I would be lying if I told you everything was "fine". (I hate that word) Paul and I were somewhat disoriented in dealing with this "New" normal we found ourselves in.These things didn't happen to "people like us". When I see that in print I actually laugh out loud. What I was quickly coming to realize is that NO ONE is immune to what the world has out there. We were trying hard to figure out how to navigate our way through so many emotions.There was only one way to survive and that was going to require all the faith we could muster.
And...we WERE fine. Isabella Lyric was born on December 23, 2009. I know for a fact that all of Heaven rejoiced at the birth of this baby. She was planned from the beginning of time. So we did as well. Life with Lyric started becoming more familiar and joyful. We soon began planning Josh and Anna's wedding. It had originally been scheduled for July 3rd of 2010.Due to the situation at hand we moved it to January 23,2010. We hit the ground running. Trying to find the place, the decorations, dresses and everything else that comes with a wedding. Looking back on it we pulled off a beautiful wedding. It was a celebration. A celebration of two people that loved each other with their whole hearts. It was a celebration of two people that were meant for each other since the beginning of time. God had ordained the union of Josh and Anna. I believe that to this day. What they were about to go through would test everything they believed in. It would test the whole family.
As the weeks went by excitement grew as we found out there were 2 babies instead of one. They were immediately named and we watched with anticipation as Anna grew larger and larger. But it was not meant to be...at least here on earth. April 9th started as any other day would. In fact a trip to the doctor confirmed that all was well with the boys. Up to this point we were pretty sure that we had been through and survived the very worst. Surely we would not be put through anything else. I'm not sure why we thought that. We are no different than anyone else that has been through tragic events. So as most of you know the end of this story, Anna and Josh lost tate and Liam. We all lost Tate and Liam. We lost more than just the boys physically, we lost hopes and dreams and birthdays and milestones. Anna and Josh left the hospital empty handed. NOW we would begin the hardest journey ever. Just how strong was our faith?
Back to my home is St. Louis. As I stood at the kitchen counter with my dad helping me cut fruit, I felt an overwhelming sadness.I wanted answers. This was the place and the people I had always come to for answers, prayers and encouragement. I wanted someone to explain to me why all of this had to happen. This wasn't ever how I saw our lives playing out. It had been 4 & 1/2 months since the boys died. Paul and I had been so busy making sure that they were ok and that Clark and Laura were surviving that we somewhat forgot to grieve. THAT has started now for me. There is a heaviness I can't explain that often overtakes me.There is a longing to see the boys that I can't explain. There are so many unanswered questions. I wanted answers.
I looked at my dad (the man who knows EVERYTHING. I know that for a fact.). "Dad, I'm really trying to figure out what the Lord is trying to teach me through all of this. I'm not feeling so strong lately tho everyone around me thinks I am. I feel certain they would laugh if they knew how weak I really am." I began to cry somewhat uncontrollably (the ugly cry). Daddy looked across at me and said these words, "Lou, have you ever stopped to think that perhaps it isn't necessarily what God wants to teach you as much as how much Satan would like to destroy you?" Wow...no, that had not occured to me at all. Dad went on. "Lou, you have a strong faith. It's what's gotten you through everything. You're still standing. You always present an upbeat front. That's not you Lou...that's the Lord. HE is who your strength is. That doesn't sit well with Satan. He'd like nothing better than to see you and Paul fall flat on your faces. He'd love to see you renounce the Lord and be angry that the Lord dealt you this awful hand." THIS, friends is why I go home. Every once in a while I need good, old fashioned pure truth spoken to me. I need (even at 53) my dad standing across the counter from me speaking wisdom with a pure heart. I have been blessed beyond measure through the years by and through the wisdom of this Godly man. He has loved me when I was not worth loving. He has stood beside when I know it went against his own convictions. He has NEVER changed. Much like my heavenly father. My heavenly Father that died on a cross for me so that I COULD survive life and tell people that HE is my reason for hoping, loving,believing and surviving. I can't really explain it but I feel as tho the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. I refuse to let Satan have that hold on me. My grandsons are with their Heavenly Father. I have no doubt that I will see them someday. Lyric is the icing on this proverbial cake for us. She is proof that God didn't leave us empty-handed. He left us blessed. Very blessed.He continues to bless us in so many ways. He never leaves us and on those days when I'm just not sure I can go on...I will rest IN Him.So Lord, I'm tired and I know that you know how many hairs are on my head and care enough to count them. I also know you WANT my sorrow and my grief and my confusion. So here it is Lord. Here I am, Lord.
He's willing and waiting to do that for you as well friend. All I can say at this point is.."Get thee behind me, Satan. I have some praising to do and YOU ARE IN THE WAY!"
So my trip back home was well worth it. Home usually is....and That's what I've learned along the way...
p.s. Daddy, you are one of the best treasures God ever gave me. You are so very loved!
I often wonder why this place is so comforting for me. As most of you know, life here at the Bruce's has been anything but boring since September of 2009. That is when we found out that Lyric would be making an appearance in December. I will be honest in saying it was a shock and surprise and a wonderful blessing all in one. So we waitied for the blessed event. During our "wait" Anna and Josh got engaged. That was something to celebrate as well! A date was set and plans started to evolve. The first weekend of December Anna woke me in the early hours. She needed to talk. Looking back, the Lord prepared me for that very early morning "talk". He had prepared me 4 months earlier. Anna and Josh were expecting a child as well. Again...shock and surprise and a wonderful blessing all in one. I would be lying if I told you everything was "fine". (I hate that word) Paul and I were somewhat disoriented in dealing with this "New" normal we found ourselves in.These things didn't happen to "people like us". When I see that in print I actually laugh out loud. What I was quickly coming to realize is that NO ONE is immune to what the world has out there. We were trying hard to figure out how to navigate our way through so many emotions.There was only one way to survive and that was going to require all the faith we could muster.
And...we WERE fine. Isabella Lyric was born on December 23, 2009. I know for a fact that all of Heaven rejoiced at the birth of this baby. She was planned from the beginning of time. So we did as well. Life with Lyric started becoming more familiar and joyful. We soon began planning Josh and Anna's wedding. It had originally been scheduled for July 3rd of 2010.Due to the situation at hand we moved it to January 23,2010. We hit the ground running. Trying to find the place, the decorations, dresses and everything else that comes with a wedding. Looking back on it we pulled off a beautiful wedding. It was a celebration. A celebration of two people that loved each other with their whole hearts. It was a celebration of two people that were meant for each other since the beginning of time. God had ordained the union of Josh and Anna. I believe that to this day. What they were about to go through would test everything they believed in. It would test the whole family.
As the weeks went by excitement grew as we found out there were 2 babies instead of one. They were immediately named and we watched with anticipation as Anna grew larger and larger. But it was not meant to be...at least here on earth. April 9th started as any other day would. In fact a trip to the doctor confirmed that all was well with the boys. Up to this point we were pretty sure that we had been through and survived the very worst. Surely we would not be put through anything else. I'm not sure why we thought that. We are no different than anyone else that has been through tragic events. So as most of you know the end of this story, Anna and Josh lost tate and Liam. We all lost Tate and Liam. We lost more than just the boys physically, we lost hopes and dreams and birthdays and milestones. Anna and Josh left the hospital empty handed. NOW we would begin the hardest journey ever. Just how strong was our faith?
Back to my home is St. Louis. As I stood at the kitchen counter with my dad helping me cut fruit, I felt an overwhelming sadness.I wanted answers. This was the place and the people I had always come to for answers, prayers and encouragement. I wanted someone to explain to me why all of this had to happen. This wasn't ever how I saw our lives playing out. It had been 4 & 1/2 months since the boys died. Paul and I had been so busy making sure that they were ok and that Clark and Laura were surviving that we somewhat forgot to grieve. THAT has started now for me. There is a heaviness I can't explain that often overtakes me.There is a longing to see the boys that I can't explain. There are so many unanswered questions. I wanted answers.
I looked at my dad (the man who knows EVERYTHING. I know that for a fact.). "Dad, I'm really trying to figure out what the Lord is trying to teach me through all of this. I'm not feeling so strong lately tho everyone around me thinks I am. I feel certain they would laugh if they knew how weak I really am." I began to cry somewhat uncontrollably (the ugly cry). Daddy looked across at me and said these words, "Lou, have you ever stopped to think that perhaps it isn't necessarily what God wants to teach you as much as how much Satan would like to destroy you?" Wow...no, that had not occured to me at all. Dad went on. "Lou, you have a strong faith. It's what's gotten you through everything. You're still standing. You always present an upbeat front. That's not you Lou...that's the Lord. HE is who your strength is. That doesn't sit well with Satan. He'd like nothing better than to see you and Paul fall flat on your faces. He'd love to see you renounce the Lord and be angry that the Lord dealt you this awful hand." THIS, friends is why I go home. Every once in a while I need good, old fashioned pure truth spoken to me. I need (even at 53) my dad standing across the counter from me speaking wisdom with a pure heart. I have been blessed beyond measure through the years by and through the wisdom of this Godly man. He has loved me when I was not worth loving. He has stood beside when I know it went against his own convictions. He has NEVER changed. Much like my heavenly father. My heavenly Father that died on a cross for me so that I COULD survive life and tell people that HE is my reason for hoping, loving,believing and surviving. I can't really explain it but I feel as tho the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. I refuse to let Satan have that hold on me. My grandsons are with their Heavenly Father. I have no doubt that I will see them someday. Lyric is the icing on this proverbial cake for us. She is proof that God didn't leave us empty-handed. He left us blessed. Very blessed.He continues to bless us in so many ways. He never leaves us and on those days when I'm just not sure I can go on...I will rest IN Him.So Lord, I'm tired and I know that you know how many hairs are on my head and care enough to count them. I also know you WANT my sorrow and my grief and my confusion. So here it is Lord. Here I am, Lord.
He's willing and waiting to do that for you as well friend. All I can say at this point is.."Get thee behind me, Satan. I have some praising to do and YOU ARE IN THE WAY!"
So my trip back home was well worth it. Home usually is....and That's what I've learned along the way...
p.s. Daddy, you are one of the best treasures God ever gave me. You are so very loved!
Friday, August 6, 2010
The past few days of "life" have been a blur. With the excitement of my daughter turning 20 there were plans made for her celebration. Nothing big, a trip to an amusement park with her dad and a friend.Cake and presents when she returned home.You know...the usual. It's the "usual" that took a wild turn. Upon the return home, Laura broke out in hives from head to toe. Her breathing changed and things changed quickly. Gifts would have to be looked at and appreciated later. Off to the hospital we went. Long story short...we are still on (what I like to refer to as) Mr. Toad's Wild ride that I'd really like to get off of. I've never cared for wild rides but for some reason God has used this circus atmosphere to yet again TRY to teach me something. Question...(sorry Will Howlett, I had to use it and you said that using it in print was ok) what exactly would that "something" be? In the words of my father..." I have a sneaking suspicion..."
As I have shared in a previous post my daughter Anna and son-in-law Josh lost their twin newborns back in April. We have all grieved and are still grieving. Yesterday, August 5th was Anna's original due date. To some you would not think it was or should be a momentous occasion. To Anna and Josh it was a reminder that their arms are empty along with the dreams and hopes they had for the boys.For the rest of us we sat and watched the day come and go with sadness and anger. BUT...August 6th came as well. The tie-in? you ask...
The tie-in as i see it is this. Life. We didn't ask for more days but for some reason God has seen fit to continue to give them to us. Some are good and others are NOT,but they are LIFE.
Life hasn't made a whole lot of sense to me lately but one thing I have noticed is that it has FORCED me to continually call on Him, ask for His guidance, RELENQUISH all that troubles my heart and mind and TRUST that He knows whats better for me than I do. So life goes on...and life is MEANT to "go on". It is meant to be lived, not survived. It has a purpose and a mission. The Bible tells us to go into ALL the world, preach the gospel, tell people about Jesus and let them see Him in you. (obvious paraphrase)
So back to what I'm supposed to learn. Some of this lesson may be that even in ALL things I should show and give OBVIOUS thanks. Yes...even in the hard times. Truth be told, I am not good at that. OR perhaps someone watching needs to see my faith. Not just the faith I have in hard times but the faith I attempt to LIVE by. I DON"T know what the lesson is and I may never know. But as I sit here yet again with Laura in the ER I am only slightly thankful (He's still refining me...remember?) that I have been given another day to "live" not for me but for His purpose.
p.s. God, Could you at least slow this ride down? It would be greatly appreciated.....and that's what I've learned along the way.
As I have shared in a previous post my daughter Anna and son-in-law Josh lost their twin newborns back in April. We have all grieved and are still grieving. Yesterday, August 5th was Anna's original due date. To some you would not think it was or should be a momentous occasion. To Anna and Josh it was a reminder that their arms are empty along with the dreams and hopes they had for the boys.For the rest of us we sat and watched the day come and go with sadness and anger. BUT...August 6th came as well. The tie-in? you ask...
The tie-in as i see it is this. Life. We didn't ask for more days but for some reason God has seen fit to continue to give them to us. Some are good and others are NOT,but they are LIFE.
Life hasn't made a whole lot of sense to me lately but one thing I have noticed is that it has FORCED me to continually call on Him, ask for His guidance, RELENQUISH all that troubles my heart and mind and TRUST that He knows whats better for me than I do. So life goes on...and life is MEANT to "go on". It is meant to be lived, not survived. It has a purpose and a mission. The Bible tells us to go into ALL the world, preach the gospel, tell people about Jesus and let them see Him in you. (obvious paraphrase)
So back to what I'm supposed to learn. Some of this lesson may be that even in ALL things I should show and give OBVIOUS thanks. Yes...even in the hard times. Truth be told, I am not good at that. OR perhaps someone watching needs to see my faith. Not just the faith I have in hard times but the faith I attempt to LIVE by. I DON"T know what the lesson is and I may never know. But as I sit here yet again with Laura in the ER I am only slightly thankful (He's still refining me...remember?) that I have been given another day to "live" not for me but for His purpose.
p.s. God, Could you at least slow this ride down? It would be greatly appreciated.....and that's what I've learned along the way.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Glad to See Me, Lord?
Sunday began for me at 6 a.m. There were green beans,dessert and ribs to be put in the oven. The house was FULL of company. All 5 bedrooms were full and the living room was sporting an air mattress with Benjamin and Meredith Carter sound asleep. As soon as those things were accomplished I rushed upstairs to get ready. I reminded Paul that the Carter's needed to use our bathroom to get ready so we would need to hurry. And hurry we did. At 8:25 we ran out the door and headed to church to arrive for praise team practice. Twenty minutes later we went to Sunday School where Paul is the teacher. The lesson was on "INTEGRITY". Interesting lesson. I even added my "two cents worth".(that's about all it's worth) At 10:25 I left Sunday School early to run to the bathroom, save my seat and meet in the music room with the band and praise team for (of all things) prayer. Prayer that would ask the Lord to bless our efforts, lead us into worship and gude Micah as he preached.
As the service began I proceeded to check out the congregation. You know, taking attendance, wondering where was this person and that person, maybe I should call and check on them later and on and on and on. It wasn't really until the 3rd song that it dawned on me...Lord, you comin' today? I haven't invited you, haven't consulted you and certainly haven't considered asking you to join us...me...as I am supposed to be at YOUR feet. I have taken precious time to entertain my guests, cook for my guests, love on my guests but absolutely NOTHING to welcome the SPECIAL guest into worship this morning. Sure, everyone would appreciate all my hard effort for lunch but would WHAT I was bringing to the foot of the cross be worthy of the recipient it was inteneded for? I think not. He had been put on the back burner. Much like good old Martha. Well intentioned, yet a very lame offering. So as we sang the song "Thank You For The Cross", I became keenly aware of just THAT. The cross. What if God had been in the hurry I was in on the morning of the crucifixtion...what if He'd had better things to do...what if He'd prioritized me the way I had Him? There would be a much different ending to this story.
I love how God often chooses to come to you. In a loving,merciful and caring way. "Kerry, what are you doing? I've been waiting all morning to get your attention.You've been so busy you've had no time to prepare for ME." He was right. My definition of "getting ready for church" was really out of whack. I wasn't ready for Him in any way, shape or form. Are you like me? I hope not. He deserves so much more. MY Lord WANTS to spend time with me. He WANTS me to sit at His feet and worship Him. Wow...the funny thing is that there is absolutely NOTHING I have done to deserve that kind of love. NOTHING. And yet, He waits patiently every Sunday and throughout the week for me to meet Him. Kind of a sobering thought...the Creator of ALL the Universe wants to spend time with ME.It's really up to me here.Is this really that hard of a decision? I think that from here on out....I will try to prepare better to meet Him on His terms. So I guess the question remains...ARE you glad to see me, Lord? And that"s what I've learned along the way....
As the service began I proceeded to check out the congregation. You know, taking attendance, wondering where was this person and that person, maybe I should call and check on them later and on and on and on. It wasn't really until the 3rd song that it dawned on me...Lord, you comin' today? I haven't invited you, haven't consulted you and certainly haven't considered asking you to join us...me...as I am supposed to be at YOUR feet. I have taken precious time to entertain my guests, cook for my guests, love on my guests but absolutely NOTHING to welcome the SPECIAL guest into worship this morning. Sure, everyone would appreciate all my hard effort for lunch but would WHAT I was bringing to the foot of the cross be worthy of the recipient it was inteneded for? I think not. He had been put on the back burner. Much like good old Martha. Well intentioned, yet a very lame offering. So as we sang the song "Thank You For The Cross", I became keenly aware of just THAT. The cross. What if God had been in the hurry I was in on the morning of the crucifixtion...what if He'd had better things to do...what if He'd prioritized me the way I had Him? There would be a much different ending to this story.
I love how God often chooses to come to you. In a loving,merciful and caring way. "Kerry, what are you doing? I've been waiting all morning to get your attention.You've been so busy you've had no time to prepare for ME." He was right. My definition of "getting ready for church" was really out of whack. I wasn't ready for Him in any way, shape or form. Are you like me? I hope not. He deserves so much more. MY Lord WANTS to spend time with me. He WANTS me to sit at His feet and worship Him. Wow...the funny thing is that there is absolutely NOTHING I have done to deserve that kind of love. NOTHING. And yet, He waits patiently every Sunday and throughout the week for me to meet Him. Kind of a sobering thought...the Creator of ALL the Universe wants to spend time with ME.It's really up to me here.Is this really that hard of a decision? I think that from here on out....I will try to prepare better to meet Him on His terms. So I guess the question remains...ARE you glad to see me, Lord? And that"s what I've learned along the way....
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Friends
We all have them. I've had good friends, fair-weather friends,call you when I have nothing- better- to- do friends and true friends. It's the last type thats hard to find and even harder to hold on to. Not long ago I realized what a good friend is willing to do to be a friend. This friend went above and beyond the call of duty. She called in the troops and organized a plan of action to benefit me and my family. She took over my house, my cooking, my laundry and even my dogs. She made sure my WHOLE family was fed, cared for, loved, wearing clean clothes and had a welcoming shoulder to cry on. (And cry on it I did!) She lost sleep, she lost time, she even missed work for me.
Now some of you would ask "what kind of person does that?"
In the book of John scripture says this "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."
No my friend didn't die for me. But she did put her life on hold just to make sure i was OK.
So who have you been a friend to lately? I often think I cannot measure up to what MY friend did for me. What I DO hope is that I would recognize WHEN she needs me to go to bat for her.
She will start a new job this week, something I like to call an adventure. And I will be right there cheering her on and encouraging her at every turn. And IF just IF I can be half the encouragement she was to me just when I really needed it then I am willing and ready.
So I guess it's really up to us as to what kind of friend we are willing to be. I have a long way to go in that department. I'm not always the friend I should be.The good news is that there is always time to change that if your heart is willing. As I close out this post I have to thank that my precious friend for always loving me, protecting me, wanting the best for me and always being there for me. So...thank you Spammie. You are the Thelma of my Louise, the Ethel of my Lucy and one of the best gifts God EVER gave me. I love your guts!
Go call a friend, you won't be sorry. And that's what I've learned along the way....
Now some of you would ask "what kind of person does that?"
In the book of John scripture says this "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."
No my friend didn't die for me. But she did put her life on hold just to make sure i was OK.
So who have you been a friend to lately? I often think I cannot measure up to what MY friend did for me. What I DO hope is that I would recognize WHEN she needs me to go to bat for her.
She will start a new job this week, something I like to call an adventure. And I will be right there cheering her on and encouraging her at every turn. And IF just IF I can be half the encouragement she was to me just when I really needed it then I am willing and ready.
So I guess it's really up to us as to what kind of friend we are willing to be. I have a long way to go in that department. I'm not always the friend I should be.The good news is that there is always time to change that if your heart is willing. As I close out this post I have to thank that my precious friend for always loving me, protecting me, wanting the best for me and always being there for me. So...thank you Spammie. You are the Thelma of my Louise, the Ethel of my Lucy and one of the best gifts God EVER gave me. I love your guts!
Go call a friend, you won't be sorry. And that's what I've learned along the way....
Friday, July 30, 2010
Healing Time
In just a few short days we will come to somewhat of a "milestone" here.We will arrive at the date the twins SHOULD have been born. For most everyone else in the world it will be just another day. Not so much for us. It will be a day of sadness. We have been slowly trudging through the past 4 1/2 months. We laugh,we smile and most people probably think we are back to "normal".(Highly overrated state of mind) Normal will never be the same. As anyone who's ever lost a loved one you know that you enter a "new kind of normal". Although we had the boys for only 9 or so hours they changed our lives forever. We choose to look for the blessings in their dying. Some days that is VERY hard to see. On other days it is blatantly obvious.
There will never be a more sobering memory for me than watching my daughter dress her babies to be buried. As she hugged and kissed them and handled them with the most gentle of care I held onto the TRUTH that this DOES NOT end HERE. My grandsons are resting peacefully in the arms of my Lord. I will see them again someday. And as silly as it sounds I am praying the Lord will see fit to have a very comfy rocker at the pearly gates for me to sit in for JUST a moment. I want those two boys to climb up in my lap and let me rock them for just a few minutes. I want to look at their faces and hug and kiss them. I want to sing to them and get down on the floor and play with them. I want to play with play-doh and ride bikes. I want to walk them on the beach (I know there HAS to be a beach in Heaven) and find shells and smell the ocean and watch them play in the sand.
Silly to you? That's ok. I've always been used to being thought of as a bit crazy. Still in all of this my Lord has proven faithful. He will get us through Anna's due date. And then He will get us through the next few months and years and time will go on and WE WILL BE OKAY. There will always be a place in our hearts for Tate and Liam. There will always be a sadness that they are not here to live life with us. But there will never be a doubt that the Lord will be glorified through their death.
So, as I close out this post I am hoping that SOMEONE reading it will see our hope. They will see how the Lord does allow life to "go on". They will see how maybe just maybe He can do the same for them. So for now...that's what I've learned along the way.
There will never be a more sobering memory for me than watching my daughter dress her babies to be buried. As she hugged and kissed them and handled them with the most gentle of care I held onto the TRUTH that this DOES NOT end HERE. My grandsons are resting peacefully in the arms of my Lord. I will see them again someday. And as silly as it sounds I am praying the Lord will see fit to have a very comfy rocker at the pearly gates for me to sit in for JUST a moment. I want those two boys to climb up in my lap and let me rock them for just a few minutes. I want to look at their faces and hug and kiss them. I want to sing to them and get down on the floor and play with them. I want to play with play-doh and ride bikes. I want to walk them on the beach (I know there HAS to be a beach in Heaven) and find shells and smell the ocean and watch them play in the sand.
Silly to you? That's ok. I've always been used to being thought of as a bit crazy. Still in all of this my Lord has proven faithful. He will get us through Anna's due date. And then He will get us through the next few months and years and time will go on and WE WILL BE OKAY. There will always be a place in our hearts for Tate and Liam. There will always be a sadness that they are not here to live life with us. But there will never be a doubt that the Lord will be glorified through their death.
So, as I close out this post I am hoping that SOMEONE reading it will see our hope. They will see how the Lord does allow life to "go on". They will see how maybe just maybe He can do the same for them. So for now...that's what I've learned along the way.
My VERY First Time
So today I am starting out on an adventure. That's what I say when I take a wrong turn, try something new or just find myself in a new situation. I am entering the world of blogging. My neice does it and I love reading her posts. I am an avid fan of facebook and have been encouraged to try my hand at writing. Not sure what I have to offer but will see what happens. So here another "adventure" begins.
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