This past weekend a friend of ours from college was in town.He was traveling with his precious momma.We got in touch with him and invited them out for a visit.When they arrived, Anna and Josh were out in the driveway painting furniture for their new apartment, Clark was out there as well hitting dirt around with a hockey stick.(once a hockey player...always a hockey player) The kids all walked over to meet them. We all talked outside for a bit and then we brought our friends inside for our visit. When we walked in and got settled our friends' mom said "So...WHO does live here?" Paul and I started laughing. I answered "everyone you just met." We then proceeded to sing Lyric's praises and show them the shrine we built to her. It dawned on me as we sat there that her question was actually a really good one.
The word "live" came back to my mind over and over. Because "live" is exactly what has been done in this house for the many years. We have laughed and cried, we have brought home new pets and cars and boyfriends and girlfriends and friends.We have stood around the piano and sang and played the flute and saxophone and guitar.We even tried our hand at the drums. (lol)
We have painted the walls many different colors,have moved the furniture to many different places and moved the kids from one bedroom to another to another and another. We have gone from decorating with Minnie Mouse and Sports memorabilia to much classier, more contemporary looks.
We have torn down walls,put in new windows,floors, doors and cabinets.We have replaced refrigerators, dish washers, sinks, stoves and microstoves.
We have sat around a 10 foot long kitchen table with family, friends,strangers and had countless meals filled laughter,tears and loooong talks about everything from A to Z. We've shared good meals and bad meals. We have ordered more pizzas than I can count and made more batches of brownies than I care to remember. We have walked around our table praying endlessly for our precious Will when his lips would turn blue.
We have prayed endlessly,debated repeatedly, argued over and over and dried many tears. Laura announced her profession of faith while sitting on our bed. Clark was told about the facts of life while hiding his head under our blanket. Anna has cried many tears about many things while lying across our bed. Paul and I have cried heartfelt agonizing tears over the death of our sister-in-law while sitting at the foot of our bed.We were giddy over the birth of Lyric.Could'nt believe that Clark and Kerrie had given all of us such an amazing gift. We fell apart the night Anna went into labor in the basement and the ambulance took her and Josh away.We felt we would not be able to go on when 9 hours later Tate and Liam went home to be with the Lord.We mourned everyday over the look of undeniable anguish on Anna and Josh's faces as they healed. We prayed endlessly for just the courage to keep going. We rejoiced at the sound of laughter when it came back into the house after such a loss.
We have LIVED life in this "house". There have been so many times when it would have been understandable to hole up in this house and let the bad things take over us. That has not happened. Here is why...In John 10:10 the Bible says "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have LIFE, and have it to the FULL." Some translations use the word "abundantly". I love that word because THAT is what we have done. We have LIVED IT MORE ABUNDANTLY. Not by our own doing but BECAUSE HE came to give us life. LIFE to be lived. Pain, suffering,hurt, death and loss are all a part of LIFE.Without those things we would not know Him and His love for us.
So I think back to the original question and I am SO very thankful for WHO lives here and HOW we have lived. Not perfectly by any stretch of the imagination but with HOPE. Hope...knowing that THIS life is temporary and meant to be lived. Meant to tell others about your hope. Meant to LIVE OUT YOUR HOPE. So...who LIVES in your house? And that's what I've learned along the way...
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Blind Faith
Recently I've have been under attack by satan.Nothing new for any of us but I was confronted with HOW I should deal with the attack.It occurred to me that we really DO have a choice on HOW we respond to what satan doles out.
It is so easy to get caught up in the "I can fix it" mode. I am so guilty of trying to take the reins and circle the wagons and hunker down for the rough weather coming but in reality I am pulling myself away from the One who ordained that day, my life and the situation. The older I get I also find that I can cause myself to feel more desperate if things don't start changing.Desperation is a dangerous thing. I think that at times it allows you to feel alot more important than you are. As if you could move heaven and earth to accomplish what YOU think is right. For years I havc presumed that I could handle things better than the Lord could. I swooped in over and over "saving" my children from things the Lord needed to teach them. Always thinking it was the right thing to do because I'd "been through" things and had the experience to teach them.Sadly that is not how life works. Instead the Lord gently and lovingly allows us to fall, stumble, sink and sometimes wallow in the mess we've made so the the NEED for Him will be more powerful. I can remember the night the boys were born, Josh woke me up to tell me Anna's water had broken.I leapt out of bed and went into "I am here to save the day" mode. Tragically my "save the day" skills were less than effective.We were put in a place of TOTAL reliance on the Lord. In other words...blind faith.For the next 9 hours we waited and prayed and begged the Lord to make this have a wonderful outcome.In reality...the boys were too weak to survive all they had been through.So again we were put in a place of blind faith.The day we buried the boys is and will probably always be a blur. I remember making sure the kids were ok, that everyone got fed, bills were paid, the house kept running...and so on and so on. My initial instinct was to lay down,curl up in a fetal position and wait for life to get better. I am SO glad I didn't do that. If I had chosen that I would have missed all the things the Lord had for me to learn. I would have sheltered the kids from the unmeasurable mercy they got to experience.
Sometimes my heart hurt so badly I could barely breath...but I DID keep breathing. I felt a peace I couldn't explain. Sometimes the agony on Anna and Josh's faces was so unbearable that I wanted to scream...but I didn't.The Holy Spirit eeked out the words I couldn't find to pray for those kids.Sometimes Paul and I would fall apart at the drop of a hat. The pain in our chest was so heavy that we felt we couldn't take a breathe without breaking....but we DID breathe and made it to the next day.
There have been so many times in THIS year alone that have required ONLY blind faith. Am I good at it? No. Not always. Usually not, in fact I still find myself thinking "ok...here we go again. What do I need to do to fix this?". I am so thankful that I have a loving heavenly Father that prods me to lean on Him...not just a little but to fall helplessly into His arms...for when I am THAT weak...HE is so very strong and I am so very pliable.
I love the song "Potter's Hands". The songs speaks of the Lord "taking, using and molding" us into ALL He needs us to be. He never calls us to be what WE want to be. He already KNOWS what we are capable of being. He created us! We can only be pliable when we are submissive to His will and NOT our own. It's funny to me how in my mind I have an idea or dream of what and how my life ought to be. I am here to tell you that more times than not YOUR idea of what your life should be and what the Lord WANTS your life to be are two totally different things. It requires total trust or blind faith that the creator of the universe KNOWS better than you do. He has known since the beginning of time ALL that IS happening or is going to happen. He loves us more than we can even imagine and wants nothing more than to show us that love.
So I guess we're back to the question of blind faith. Do you trust Him with your life, with your kids, with everything? I'd be lying if I said I find it "easy". It's not easy. It's giving up yourself, even giving up your desires....dying to yourself. Man,why IS that so hard? I may never know but in the meantime...I will continue to trust that HE knows what's best for me,for my family,for my life. I will strive to step back and let Him wrap His arms around whatever concerns me. I will continue to desire His will and not my own. For me to do ANY of this I will need for Him to be bigger than me. Pray for me and I will pray for you..because as I see it, relenquishment of MY will and blind faith is the hardest part. And that's what I've learned along the way.
It is so easy to get caught up in the "I can fix it" mode. I am so guilty of trying to take the reins and circle the wagons and hunker down for the rough weather coming but in reality I am pulling myself away from the One who ordained that day, my life and the situation. The older I get I also find that I can cause myself to feel more desperate if things don't start changing.Desperation is a dangerous thing. I think that at times it allows you to feel alot more important than you are. As if you could move heaven and earth to accomplish what YOU think is right. For years I havc presumed that I could handle things better than the Lord could. I swooped in over and over "saving" my children from things the Lord needed to teach them. Always thinking it was the right thing to do because I'd "been through" things and had the experience to teach them.Sadly that is not how life works. Instead the Lord gently and lovingly allows us to fall, stumble, sink and sometimes wallow in the mess we've made so the the NEED for Him will be more powerful. I can remember the night the boys were born, Josh woke me up to tell me Anna's water had broken.I leapt out of bed and went into "I am here to save the day" mode. Tragically my "save the day" skills were less than effective.We were put in a place of TOTAL reliance on the Lord. In other words...blind faith.For the next 9 hours we waited and prayed and begged the Lord to make this have a wonderful outcome.In reality...the boys were too weak to survive all they had been through.So again we were put in a place of blind faith.The day we buried the boys is and will probably always be a blur. I remember making sure the kids were ok, that everyone got fed, bills were paid, the house kept running...and so on and so on. My initial instinct was to lay down,curl up in a fetal position and wait for life to get better. I am SO glad I didn't do that. If I had chosen that I would have missed all the things the Lord had for me to learn. I would have sheltered the kids from the unmeasurable mercy they got to experience.
Sometimes my heart hurt so badly I could barely breath...but I DID keep breathing. I felt a peace I couldn't explain. Sometimes the agony on Anna and Josh's faces was so unbearable that I wanted to scream...but I didn't.The Holy Spirit eeked out the words I couldn't find to pray for those kids.Sometimes Paul and I would fall apart at the drop of a hat. The pain in our chest was so heavy that we felt we couldn't take a breathe without breaking....but we DID breathe and made it to the next day.
There have been so many times in THIS year alone that have required ONLY blind faith. Am I good at it? No. Not always. Usually not, in fact I still find myself thinking "ok...here we go again. What do I need to do to fix this?". I am so thankful that I have a loving heavenly Father that prods me to lean on Him...not just a little but to fall helplessly into His arms...for when I am THAT weak...HE is so very strong and I am so very pliable.
I love the song "Potter's Hands". The songs speaks of the Lord "taking, using and molding" us into ALL He needs us to be. He never calls us to be what WE want to be. He already KNOWS what we are capable of being. He created us! We can only be pliable when we are submissive to His will and NOT our own. It's funny to me how in my mind I have an idea or dream of what and how my life ought to be. I am here to tell you that more times than not YOUR idea of what your life should be and what the Lord WANTS your life to be are two totally different things. It requires total trust or blind faith that the creator of the universe KNOWS better than you do. He has known since the beginning of time ALL that IS happening or is going to happen. He loves us more than we can even imagine and wants nothing more than to show us that love.
So I guess we're back to the question of blind faith. Do you trust Him with your life, with your kids, with everything? I'd be lying if I said I find it "easy". It's not easy. It's giving up yourself, even giving up your desires....dying to yourself. Man,why IS that so hard? I may never know but in the meantime...I will continue to trust that HE knows what's best for me,for my family,for my life. I will strive to step back and let Him wrap His arms around whatever concerns me. I will continue to desire His will and not my own. For me to do ANY of this I will need for Him to be bigger than me. Pray for me and I will pray for you..because as I see it, relenquishment of MY will and blind faith is the hardest part. And that's what I've learned along the way.
Monday, December 27, 2010
"Down At Your Feet, Oh Lord..."
I remember when my kids were young and they would get hurt. That is a terrible feeling. As a parent you want fix things. Back then I could do that with a bandaid and a kiss. Not only were they satisfied but the feeling of being able to make their world better, as only YOU could was remarkable. In their little heads you were like a rock star. Those were the days. What made me think of this on this evening? Well, tonite my heart is hurting and aching far beyond anything I could have imagined when they were young and "fixing" things for them was so easy.
Over the past year our family has struggled alot. No, struggle is not unique to just us but the things that took place were somewhat uniquely devastating.A personal struggle for me is letting go. I'm not good at it. In fact...I stink at it. In past postings I have shared that the Lord quite often deals with me through the use of my kids and once again there is a lesson for me to learn. Hard-headedness is not a good trait but I am known for it. I struggle daily with relenqishment. Why is that? Is my faith that weak, my trust in Him that small? What is it?
When I was growing up I would go to my dad with a concern and his first respomse to me was first and always..."Have you been spending enough time with the Lord Lou?" (that was his nickname for me from childhood due to a short haircut that went awry...long story) Why did he always ask me that? It used to frustrate me that he would'nt just tell me the answer I wanted to hear to the problem I was having. He didn't do that tho...instead he pointed me to THE answer. It wasn't a "quick fix"...it was a lifestyle. A lifestyle that to this day I struggle with daily. There are days I am certain I can handle far better than the Lord. Laughable when you consider that He created the day and KNOWS what is holds.
But tonite, I am back at that place where I need to seek THE answer not what I want the answer to be. I can't change things I don't hand over to the Lord. You would think that at age 53 this would be no great revelation...but as I said earlier I am working hard at relenquishment. A daily exercise that HAS to include me at my Savior's feet RELENQUISHING all that concerns me. So tonight, tho my heart is heavy, I will once again attempt to lay it all at His feet...because afterall...He KNOWS the end of the story. I am just a part of it.And that's what I've learned along the way.
Over the past year our family has struggled alot. No, struggle is not unique to just us but the things that took place were somewhat uniquely devastating.A personal struggle for me is letting go. I'm not good at it. In fact...I stink at it. In past postings I have shared that the Lord quite often deals with me through the use of my kids and once again there is a lesson for me to learn. Hard-headedness is not a good trait but I am known for it. I struggle daily with relenqishment. Why is that? Is my faith that weak, my trust in Him that small? What is it?
When I was growing up I would go to my dad with a concern and his first respomse to me was first and always..."Have you been spending enough time with the Lord Lou?" (that was his nickname for me from childhood due to a short haircut that went awry...long story) Why did he always ask me that? It used to frustrate me that he would'nt just tell me the answer I wanted to hear to the problem I was having. He didn't do that tho...instead he pointed me to THE answer. It wasn't a "quick fix"...it was a lifestyle. A lifestyle that to this day I struggle with daily. There are days I am certain I can handle far better than the Lord. Laughable when you consider that He created the day and KNOWS what is holds.
But tonite, I am back at that place where I need to seek THE answer not what I want the answer to be. I can't change things I don't hand over to the Lord. You would think that at age 53 this would be no great revelation...but as I said earlier I am working hard at relenquishment. A daily exercise that HAS to include me at my Savior's feet RELENQUISHING all that concerns me. So tonight, tho my heart is heavy, I will once again attempt to lay it all at His feet...because afterall...He KNOWS the end of the story. I am just a part of it.And that's what I've learned along the way.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Why Am I Here?
Been doing alot of thinking lately.It's a dangerous thing for me.Sometimes my mind ponders so many things that it is hard to put my thoughts to words.I'm not one of those people that make snap decisions about anything. Instead I think and I think and I think. Clark started that at a very young age and I remember wondering why he was like that.....hmmm, guess the apple doesn't fall far from that tree. Anyway, there's been alot going on in our home. Some good and some not so good. Our granddaughter makes the sun shine a little brighter and my step a little lighter. I feel so very blessed to have this time with her at such a young age. She is such a treasure, But I also know this is a very crucial time with her. As the mother of grown children I have come to realize that there are many times when your kids are young that you literally waste valuable time that should be spent teaching them valuable life lessons.There are many things I would do over if given the chance. For example: I would do a better job at teaching them to love others as Christ does. Not to judge but to see the best in others. I would be more diligent in teaching them to be kinder to others. You never know what people are going through. You never know what hurts they have.Bottom line...you never know. I would take more time TEACHING them to be respectful, to be considerate, to be more loving to the people that are hard to love. I'd do better teaching them that the way people dress has no bearing on who they are. I'd spend more time teaching them that EVERY detail of our life is important to God.I'd work harder at teaching them that they should respect themselves beacuse they belong to Him. They are precious masterpeices.I would teach them earlier to start praying at a young age for the mate the Lord has for them. He created us and is concerned about all that concerns us.I'd make sure they were watching when Paul and I were kidding with each other and enjoying each other's company. I would be more vocal about how much I love their father and how much he sacrifices everyday to take care of us.I would teach them to think more about others than they think about themselves. I would teach them to be wiser than I was with money.I would teach them to give more freely and expect nothing but God's blessings for doing it. My list goes on and on as you can see. But the bottom line is this...I don't get any "do-overs".All those days and hours I wasted are gone. All that time I didn't think I had to spend with them back then is lost. Are you wondering what my point is? Well, here it is.God is not a god of coincidence. He is a god of purpose. He has a purpose for me and for you. Before the beginning of time He ordained it that I would be the mother of Clark, Anna and Laura. He knew there would be things I succeeded at and things I would need to work on. He knew my failures and rejoiced when His plan was accomplished through me for Him. He wanted me to do a better job at teaching these things better than I did. He thought I was the best person for the job.All that to say, don't waste your days, your hours, your minutes. Ask the Lord to show you what His purpose is for you, not only with your kids but with your life. Where does He need you to be and what does He want you to do? Don't make the mistakes I've made and look back wishing you could have some "do-overs" with your children or all the important people in your life. Time is a precious commodity and we never put the value on it that it should have.The only true "do-overs" we will ever get are the second, third and fourth chances the Lord gives us everyday.That is nothing more than His grace. And THAT my friend is what I've learned along the way...take it for what it's worth.
Monday, August 30, 2010
I went home this weekend to spend some time with our family. I often comment about the fact that I am always surprised when at age 53 I still get homesick. Homesick for the sights, smells and sounds of the home I grew up in. I long to walk in the door and see my daddy sitting in "his" chair, socks off, feet crossed, catching up on the latest Cardinal stats. A walk in the door is welcomed with "Greetings sports fans!".Yep, that's exactly what he says. Momma is seated on the blue sofa, because most of her house is blue. She likes blue...bottom line. Her house has always been pristine (I did NOT get that gene). Everything perfectly placed and polished yet so very welcoming. My home was often the hangout for many kids over the years.Anyway...momma's on the sofa working her "WORD JUMBLE" in the paper. Her glasses are slidden slightly down her nose and her well worn dictionary is sitting close by. She often has a blue throw over her lap. Unlike me...momma is cold all the time. She's a wonderful sight for my eyes. When I walk into this house after 40-something years I AM HOME. I sometimes forget I'm a grown adult with my own kids and grandchildren. I am transported back to 9th grade when we moved into this house.
I often wonder why this place is so comforting for me. As most of you know, life here at the Bruce's has been anything but boring since September of 2009. That is when we found out that Lyric would be making an appearance in December. I will be honest in saying it was a shock and surprise and a wonderful blessing all in one. So we waitied for the blessed event. During our "wait" Anna and Josh got engaged. That was something to celebrate as well! A date was set and plans started to evolve. The first weekend of December Anna woke me in the early hours. She needed to talk. Looking back, the Lord prepared me for that very early morning "talk". He had prepared me 4 months earlier. Anna and Josh were expecting a child as well. Again...shock and surprise and a wonderful blessing all in one. I would be lying if I told you everything was "fine". (I hate that word) Paul and I were somewhat disoriented in dealing with this "New" normal we found ourselves in.These things didn't happen to "people like us". When I see that in print I actually laugh out loud. What I was quickly coming to realize is that NO ONE is immune to what the world has out there. We were trying hard to figure out how to navigate our way through so many emotions.There was only one way to survive and that was going to require all the faith we could muster.
And...we WERE fine. Isabella Lyric was born on December 23, 2009. I know for a fact that all of Heaven rejoiced at the birth of this baby. She was planned from the beginning of time. So we did as well. Life with Lyric started becoming more familiar and joyful. We soon began planning Josh and Anna's wedding. It had originally been scheduled for July 3rd of 2010.Due to the situation at hand we moved it to January 23,2010. We hit the ground running. Trying to find the place, the decorations, dresses and everything else that comes with a wedding. Looking back on it we pulled off a beautiful wedding. It was a celebration. A celebration of two people that loved each other with their whole hearts. It was a celebration of two people that were meant for each other since the beginning of time. God had ordained the union of Josh and Anna. I believe that to this day. What they were about to go through would test everything they believed in. It would test the whole family.
As the weeks went by excitement grew as we found out there were 2 babies instead of one. They were immediately named and we watched with anticipation as Anna grew larger and larger. But it was not meant to be...at least here on earth. April 9th started as any other day would. In fact a trip to the doctor confirmed that all was well with the boys. Up to this point we were pretty sure that we had been through and survived the very worst. Surely we would not be put through anything else. I'm not sure why we thought that. We are no different than anyone else that has been through tragic events. So as most of you know the end of this story, Anna and Josh lost tate and Liam. We all lost Tate and Liam. We lost more than just the boys physically, we lost hopes and dreams and birthdays and milestones. Anna and Josh left the hospital empty handed. NOW we would begin the hardest journey ever. Just how strong was our faith?
Back to my home is St. Louis. As I stood at the kitchen counter with my dad helping me cut fruit, I felt an overwhelming sadness.I wanted answers. This was the place and the people I had always come to for answers, prayers and encouragement. I wanted someone to explain to me why all of this had to happen. This wasn't ever how I saw our lives playing out. It had been 4 & 1/2 months since the boys died. Paul and I had been so busy making sure that they were ok and that Clark and Laura were surviving that we somewhat forgot to grieve. THAT has started now for me. There is a heaviness I can't explain that often overtakes me.There is a longing to see the boys that I can't explain. There are so many unanswered questions. I wanted answers.
I looked at my dad (the man who knows EVERYTHING. I know that for a fact.). "Dad, I'm really trying to figure out what the Lord is trying to teach me through all of this. I'm not feeling so strong lately tho everyone around me thinks I am. I feel certain they would laugh if they knew how weak I really am." I began to cry somewhat uncontrollably (the ugly cry). Daddy looked across at me and said these words, "Lou, have you ever stopped to think that perhaps it isn't necessarily what God wants to teach you as much as how much Satan would like to destroy you?" Wow...no, that had not occured to me at all. Dad went on. "Lou, you have a strong faith. It's what's gotten you through everything. You're still standing. You always present an upbeat front. That's not you Lou...that's the Lord. HE is who your strength is. That doesn't sit well with Satan. He'd like nothing better than to see you and Paul fall flat on your faces. He'd love to see you renounce the Lord and be angry that the Lord dealt you this awful hand." THIS, friends is why I go home. Every once in a while I need good, old fashioned pure truth spoken to me. I need (even at 53) my dad standing across the counter from me speaking wisdom with a pure heart. I have been blessed beyond measure through the years by and through the wisdom of this Godly man. He has loved me when I was not worth loving. He has stood beside when I know it went against his own convictions. He has NEVER changed. Much like my heavenly father. My heavenly Father that died on a cross for me so that I COULD survive life and tell people that HE is my reason for hoping, loving,believing and surviving. I can't really explain it but I feel as tho the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. I refuse to let Satan have that hold on me. My grandsons are with their Heavenly Father. I have no doubt that I will see them someday. Lyric is the icing on this proverbial cake for us. She is proof that God didn't leave us empty-handed. He left us blessed. Very blessed.He continues to bless us in so many ways. He never leaves us and on those days when I'm just not sure I can go on...I will rest IN Him.So Lord, I'm tired and I know that you know how many hairs are on my head and care enough to count them. I also know you WANT my sorrow and my grief and my confusion. So here it is Lord. Here I am, Lord.
He's willing and waiting to do that for you as well friend. All I can say at this point is.."Get thee behind me, Satan. I have some praising to do and YOU ARE IN THE WAY!"
So my trip back home was well worth it. Home usually is....and That's what I've learned along the way...
p.s. Daddy, you are one of the best treasures God ever gave me. You are so very loved!
I often wonder why this place is so comforting for me. As most of you know, life here at the Bruce's has been anything but boring since September of 2009. That is when we found out that Lyric would be making an appearance in December. I will be honest in saying it was a shock and surprise and a wonderful blessing all in one. So we waitied for the blessed event. During our "wait" Anna and Josh got engaged. That was something to celebrate as well! A date was set and plans started to evolve. The first weekend of December Anna woke me in the early hours. She needed to talk. Looking back, the Lord prepared me for that very early morning "talk". He had prepared me 4 months earlier. Anna and Josh were expecting a child as well. Again...shock and surprise and a wonderful blessing all in one. I would be lying if I told you everything was "fine". (I hate that word) Paul and I were somewhat disoriented in dealing with this "New" normal we found ourselves in.These things didn't happen to "people like us". When I see that in print I actually laugh out loud. What I was quickly coming to realize is that NO ONE is immune to what the world has out there. We were trying hard to figure out how to navigate our way through so many emotions.There was only one way to survive and that was going to require all the faith we could muster.
And...we WERE fine. Isabella Lyric was born on December 23, 2009. I know for a fact that all of Heaven rejoiced at the birth of this baby. She was planned from the beginning of time. So we did as well. Life with Lyric started becoming more familiar and joyful. We soon began planning Josh and Anna's wedding. It had originally been scheduled for July 3rd of 2010.Due to the situation at hand we moved it to January 23,2010. We hit the ground running. Trying to find the place, the decorations, dresses and everything else that comes with a wedding. Looking back on it we pulled off a beautiful wedding. It was a celebration. A celebration of two people that loved each other with their whole hearts. It was a celebration of two people that were meant for each other since the beginning of time. God had ordained the union of Josh and Anna. I believe that to this day. What they were about to go through would test everything they believed in. It would test the whole family.
As the weeks went by excitement grew as we found out there were 2 babies instead of one. They were immediately named and we watched with anticipation as Anna grew larger and larger. But it was not meant to be...at least here on earth. April 9th started as any other day would. In fact a trip to the doctor confirmed that all was well with the boys. Up to this point we were pretty sure that we had been through and survived the very worst. Surely we would not be put through anything else. I'm not sure why we thought that. We are no different than anyone else that has been through tragic events. So as most of you know the end of this story, Anna and Josh lost tate and Liam. We all lost Tate and Liam. We lost more than just the boys physically, we lost hopes and dreams and birthdays and milestones. Anna and Josh left the hospital empty handed. NOW we would begin the hardest journey ever. Just how strong was our faith?
Back to my home is St. Louis. As I stood at the kitchen counter with my dad helping me cut fruit, I felt an overwhelming sadness.I wanted answers. This was the place and the people I had always come to for answers, prayers and encouragement. I wanted someone to explain to me why all of this had to happen. This wasn't ever how I saw our lives playing out. It had been 4 & 1/2 months since the boys died. Paul and I had been so busy making sure that they were ok and that Clark and Laura were surviving that we somewhat forgot to grieve. THAT has started now for me. There is a heaviness I can't explain that often overtakes me.There is a longing to see the boys that I can't explain. There are so many unanswered questions. I wanted answers.
I looked at my dad (the man who knows EVERYTHING. I know that for a fact.). "Dad, I'm really trying to figure out what the Lord is trying to teach me through all of this. I'm not feeling so strong lately tho everyone around me thinks I am. I feel certain they would laugh if they knew how weak I really am." I began to cry somewhat uncontrollably (the ugly cry). Daddy looked across at me and said these words, "Lou, have you ever stopped to think that perhaps it isn't necessarily what God wants to teach you as much as how much Satan would like to destroy you?" Wow...no, that had not occured to me at all. Dad went on. "Lou, you have a strong faith. It's what's gotten you through everything. You're still standing. You always present an upbeat front. That's not you Lou...that's the Lord. HE is who your strength is. That doesn't sit well with Satan. He'd like nothing better than to see you and Paul fall flat on your faces. He'd love to see you renounce the Lord and be angry that the Lord dealt you this awful hand." THIS, friends is why I go home. Every once in a while I need good, old fashioned pure truth spoken to me. I need (even at 53) my dad standing across the counter from me speaking wisdom with a pure heart. I have been blessed beyond measure through the years by and through the wisdom of this Godly man. He has loved me when I was not worth loving. He has stood beside when I know it went against his own convictions. He has NEVER changed. Much like my heavenly father. My heavenly Father that died on a cross for me so that I COULD survive life and tell people that HE is my reason for hoping, loving,believing and surviving. I can't really explain it but I feel as tho the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. I refuse to let Satan have that hold on me. My grandsons are with their Heavenly Father. I have no doubt that I will see them someday. Lyric is the icing on this proverbial cake for us. She is proof that God didn't leave us empty-handed. He left us blessed. Very blessed.He continues to bless us in so many ways. He never leaves us and on those days when I'm just not sure I can go on...I will rest IN Him.So Lord, I'm tired and I know that you know how many hairs are on my head and care enough to count them. I also know you WANT my sorrow and my grief and my confusion. So here it is Lord. Here I am, Lord.
He's willing and waiting to do that for you as well friend. All I can say at this point is.."Get thee behind me, Satan. I have some praising to do and YOU ARE IN THE WAY!"
So my trip back home was well worth it. Home usually is....and That's what I've learned along the way...
p.s. Daddy, you are one of the best treasures God ever gave me. You are so very loved!
Friday, August 6, 2010
The past few days of "life" have been a blur. With the excitement of my daughter turning 20 there were plans made for her celebration. Nothing big, a trip to an amusement park with her dad and a friend.Cake and presents when she returned home.You know...the usual. It's the "usual" that took a wild turn. Upon the return home, Laura broke out in hives from head to toe. Her breathing changed and things changed quickly. Gifts would have to be looked at and appreciated later. Off to the hospital we went. Long story short...we are still on (what I like to refer to as) Mr. Toad's Wild ride that I'd really like to get off of. I've never cared for wild rides but for some reason God has used this circus atmosphere to yet again TRY to teach me something. Question...(sorry Will Howlett, I had to use it and you said that using it in print was ok) what exactly would that "something" be? In the words of my father..." I have a sneaking suspicion..."
As I have shared in a previous post my daughter Anna and son-in-law Josh lost their twin newborns back in April. We have all grieved and are still grieving. Yesterday, August 5th was Anna's original due date. To some you would not think it was or should be a momentous occasion. To Anna and Josh it was a reminder that their arms are empty along with the dreams and hopes they had for the boys.For the rest of us we sat and watched the day come and go with sadness and anger. BUT...August 6th came as well. The tie-in? you ask...
The tie-in as i see it is this. Life. We didn't ask for more days but for some reason God has seen fit to continue to give them to us. Some are good and others are NOT,but they are LIFE.
Life hasn't made a whole lot of sense to me lately but one thing I have noticed is that it has FORCED me to continually call on Him, ask for His guidance, RELENQUISH all that troubles my heart and mind and TRUST that He knows whats better for me than I do. So life goes on...and life is MEANT to "go on". It is meant to be lived, not survived. It has a purpose and a mission. The Bible tells us to go into ALL the world, preach the gospel, tell people about Jesus and let them see Him in you. (obvious paraphrase)
So back to what I'm supposed to learn. Some of this lesson may be that even in ALL things I should show and give OBVIOUS thanks. Yes...even in the hard times. Truth be told, I am not good at that. OR perhaps someone watching needs to see my faith. Not just the faith I have in hard times but the faith I attempt to LIVE by. I DON"T know what the lesson is and I may never know. But as I sit here yet again with Laura in the ER I am only slightly thankful (He's still refining me...remember?) that I have been given another day to "live" not for me but for His purpose.
p.s. God, Could you at least slow this ride down? It would be greatly appreciated.....and that's what I've learned along the way.
As I have shared in a previous post my daughter Anna and son-in-law Josh lost their twin newborns back in April. We have all grieved and are still grieving. Yesterday, August 5th was Anna's original due date. To some you would not think it was or should be a momentous occasion. To Anna and Josh it was a reminder that their arms are empty along with the dreams and hopes they had for the boys.For the rest of us we sat and watched the day come and go with sadness and anger. BUT...August 6th came as well. The tie-in? you ask...
The tie-in as i see it is this. Life. We didn't ask for more days but for some reason God has seen fit to continue to give them to us. Some are good and others are NOT,but they are LIFE.
Life hasn't made a whole lot of sense to me lately but one thing I have noticed is that it has FORCED me to continually call on Him, ask for His guidance, RELENQUISH all that troubles my heart and mind and TRUST that He knows whats better for me than I do. So life goes on...and life is MEANT to "go on". It is meant to be lived, not survived. It has a purpose and a mission. The Bible tells us to go into ALL the world, preach the gospel, tell people about Jesus and let them see Him in you. (obvious paraphrase)
So back to what I'm supposed to learn. Some of this lesson may be that even in ALL things I should show and give OBVIOUS thanks. Yes...even in the hard times. Truth be told, I am not good at that. OR perhaps someone watching needs to see my faith. Not just the faith I have in hard times but the faith I attempt to LIVE by. I DON"T know what the lesson is and I may never know. But as I sit here yet again with Laura in the ER I am only slightly thankful (He's still refining me...remember?) that I have been given another day to "live" not for me but for His purpose.
p.s. God, Could you at least slow this ride down? It would be greatly appreciated.....and that's what I've learned along the way.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Glad to See Me, Lord?
Sunday began for me at 6 a.m. There were green beans,dessert and ribs to be put in the oven. The house was FULL of company. All 5 bedrooms were full and the living room was sporting an air mattress with Benjamin and Meredith Carter sound asleep. As soon as those things were accomplished I rushed upstairs to get ready. I reminded Paul that the Carter's needed to use our bathroom to get ready so we would need to hurry. And hurry we did. At 8:25 we ran out the door and headed to church to arrive for praise team practice. Twenty minutes later we went to Sunday School where Paul is the teacher. The lesson was on "INTEGRITY". Interesting lesson. I even added my "two cents worth".(that's about all it's worth) At 10:25 I left Sunday School early to run to the bathroom, save my seat and meet in the music room with the band and praise team for (of all things) prayer. Prayer that would ask the Lord to bless our efforts, lead us into worship and gude Micah as he preached.
As the service began I proceeded to check out the congregation. You know, taking attendance, wondering where was this person and that person, maybe I should call and check on them later and on and on and on. It wasn't really until the 3rd song that it dawned on me...Lord, you comin' today? I haven't invited you, haven't consulted you and certainly haven't considered asking you to join us...me...as I am supposed to be at YOUR feet. I have taken precious time to entertain my guests, cook for my guests, love on my guests but absolutely NOTHING to welcome the SPECIAL guest into worship this morning. Sure, everyone would appreciate all my hard effort for lunch but would WHAT I was bringing to the foot of the cross be worthy of the recipient it was inteneded for? I think not. He had been put on the back burner. Much like good old Martha. Well intentioned, yet a very lame offering. So as we sang the song "Thank You For The Cross", I became keenly aware of just THAT. The cross. What if God had been in the hurry I was in on the morning of the crucifixtion...what if He'd had better things to do...what if He'd prioritized me the way I had Him? There would be a much different ending to this story.
I love how God often chooses to come to you. In a loving,merciful and caring way. "Kerry, what are you doing? I've been waiting all morning to get your attention.You've been so busy you've had no time to prepare for ME." He was right. My definition of "getting ready for church" was really out of whack. I wasn't ready for Him in any way, shape or form. Are you like me? I hope not. He deserves so much more. MY Lord WANTS to spend time with me. He WANTS me to sit at His feet and worship Him. Wow...the funny thing is that there is absolutely NOTHING I have done to deserve that kind of love. NOTHING. And yet, He waits patiently every Sunday and throughout the week for me to meet Him. Kind of a sobering thought...the Creator of ALL the Universe wants to spend time with ME.It's really up to me here.Is this really that hard of a decision? I think that from here on out....I will try to prepare better to meet Him on His terms. So I guess the question remains...ARE you glad to see me, Lord? And that"s what I've learned along the way....
As the service began I proceeded to check out the congregation. You know, taking attendance, wondering where was this person and that person, maybe I should call and check on them later and on and on and on. It wasn't really until the 3rd song that it dawned on me...Lord, you comin' today? I haven't invited you, haven't consulted you and certainly haven't considered asking you to join us...me...as I am supposed to be at YOUR feet. I have taken precious time to entertain my guests, cook for my guests, love on my guests but absolutely NOTHING to welcome the SPECIAL guest into worship this morning. Sure, everyone would appreciate all my hard effort for lunch but would WHAT I was bringing to the foot of the cross be worthy of the recipient it was inteneded for? I think not. He had been put on the back burner. Much like good old Martha. Well intentioned, yet a very lame offering. So as we sang the song "Thank You For The Cross", I became keenly aware of just THAT. The cross. What if God had been in the hurry I was in on the morning of the crucifixtion...what if He'd had better things to do...what if He'd prioritized me the way I had Him? There would be a much different ending to this story.
I love how God often chooses to come to you. In a loving,merciful and caring way. "Kerry, what are you doing? I've been waiting all morning to get your attention.You've been so busy you've had no time to prepare for ME." He was right. My definition of "getting ready for church" was really out of whack. I wasn't ready for Him in any way, shape or form. Are you like me? I hope not. He deserves so much more. MY Lord WANTS to spend time with me. He WANTS me to sit at His feet and worship Him. Wow...the funny thing is that there is absolutely NOTHING I have done to deserve that kind of love. NOTHING. And yet, He waits patiently every Sunday and throughout the week for me to meet Him. Kind of a sobering thought...the Creator of ALL the Universe wants to spend time with ME.It's really up to me here.Is this really that hard of a decision? I think that from here on out....I will try to prepare better to meet Him on His terms. So I guess the question remains...ARE you glad to see me, Lord? And that"s what I've learned along the way....
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