Recently I've have been under attack by satan.Nothing new for any of us but I was confronted with HOW I should deal with the attack.It occurred to me that we really DO have a choice on HOW we respond to what satan doles out.
It is so easy to get caught up in the "I can fix it" mode. I am so guilty of trying to take the reins and circle the wagons and hunker down for the rough weather coming but in reality I am pulling myself away from the One who ordained that day, my life and the situation. The older I get I also find that I can cause myself to feel more desperate if things don't start changing.Desperation is a dangerous thing. I think that at times it allows you to feel alot more important than you are. As if you could move heaven and earth to accomplish what YOU think is right. For years I havc presumed that I could handle things better than the Lord could. I swooped in over and over "saving" my children from things the Lord needed to teach them. Always thinking it was the right thing to do because I'd "been through" things and had the experience to teach them.Sadly that is not how life works. Instead the Lord gently and lovingly allows us to fall, stumble, sink and sometimes wallow in the mess we've made so the the NEED for Him will be more powerful. I can remember the night the boys were born, Josh woke me up to tell me Anna's water had broken.I leapt out of bed and went into "I am here to save the day" mode. Tragically my "save the day" skills were less than effective.We were put in a place of TOTAL reliance on the Lord. In other words...blind faith.For the next 9 hours we waited and prayed and begged the Lord to make this have a wonderful outcome.In reality...the boys were too weak to survive all they had been through.So again we were put in a place of blind faith.The day we buried the boys is and will probably always be a blur. I remember making sure the kids were ok, that everyone got fed, bills were paid, the house kept running...and so on and so on. My initial instinct was to lay down,curl up in a fetal position and wait for life to get better. I am SO glad I didn't do that. If I had chosen that I would have missed all the things the Lord had for me to learn. I would have sheltered the kids from the unmeasurable mercy they got to experience.
Sometimes my heart hurt so badly I could barely breath...but I DID keep breathing. I felt a peace I couldn't explain. Sometimes the agony on Anna and Josh's faces was so unbearable that I wanted to scream...but I didn't.The Holy Spirit eeked out the words I couldn't find to pray for those kids.Sometimes Paul and I would fall apart at the drop of a hat. The pain in our chest was so heavy that we felt we couldn't take a breathe without breaking....but we DID breathe and made it to the next day.
There have been so many times in THIS year alone that have required ONLY blind faith. Am I good at it? No. Not always. Usually not, in fact I still find myself thinking "ok...here we go again. What do I need to do to fix this?". I am so thankful that I have a loving heavenly Father that prods me to lean on Him...not just a little but to fall helplessly into His arms...for when I am THAT weak...HE is so very strong and I am so very pliable.
I love the song "Potter's Hands". The songs speaks of the Lord "taking, using and molding" us into ALL He needs us to be. He never calls us to be what WE want to be. He already KNOWS what we are capable of being. He created us! We can only be pliable when we are submissive to His will and NOT our own. It's funny to me how in my mind I have an idea or dream of what and how my life ought to be. I am here to tell you that more times than not YOUR idea of what your life should be and what the Lord WANTS your life to be are two totally different things. It requires total trust or blind faith that the creator of the universe KNOWS better than you do. He has known since the beginning of time ALL that IS happening or is going to happen. He loves us more than we can even imagine and wants nothing more than to show us that love.
So I guess we're back to the question of blind faith. Do you trust Him with your life, with your kids, with everything? I'd be lying if I said I find it "easy". It's not easy. It's giving up yourself, even giving up your desires....dying to yourself. Man,why IS that so hard? I may never know but in the meantime...I will continue to trust that HE knows what's best for me,for my family,for my life. I will strive to step back and let Him wrap His arms around whatever concerns me. I will continue to desire His will and not my own. For me to do ANY of this I will need for Him to be bigger than me. Pray for me and I will pray for you..because as I see it, relenquishment of MY will and blind faith is the hardest part. And that's what I've learned along the way.
