I went home this weekend to spend some time with our family. I often comment about the fact that I am always surprised when at age 53 I still get homesick. Homesick for the sights, smells and sounds of the home I grew up in. I long to walk in the door and see my daddy sitting in "his" chair, socks off, feet crossed, catching up on the latest Cardinal stats. A walk in the door is welcomed with "Greetings sports fans!".Yep, that's exactly what he says. Momma is seated on the blue sofa, because most of her house is blue. She likes blue...bottom line. Her house has always been pristine (I did NOT get that gene). Everything perfectly placed and polished yet so very welcoming. My home was often the hangout for many kids over the years.Anyway...momma's on the sofa working her "WORD JUMBLE" in the paper. Her glasses are slidden slightly down her nose and her well worn dictionary is sitting close by. She often has a blue throw over her lap. Unlike me...momma is cold all the time. She's a wonderful sight for my eyes. When I walk into this house after 40-something years I AM HOME. I sometimes forget I'm a grown adult with my own kids and grandchildren. I am transported back to 9th grade when we moved into this house.
   I often wonder why this place is so comforting for me. As most of you know, life here at the Bruce's has been anything but boring since September of 2009. That is when we found out that Lyric would be making an appearance in December. I will be honest in saying it was a shock and surprise and a wonderful blessing all in one. So we waitied for the blessed event. During our "wait" Anna and Josh got engaged. That was something to celebrate as well! A date was set and plans started to evolve. The first weekend of December Anna woke me in the early hours. She needed to talk. Looking back, the Lord prepared me for that very early morning "talk". He had prepared me 4 months earlier. Anna and Josh were expecting a child as well. Again...shock and surprise and a wonderful blessing all in one. I would be lying if I told you everything was "fine". (I hate that word) Paul and I were somewhat disoriented in dealing with this "New" normal we found ourselves in.These things didn't happen to "people like us". When I see that in print I actually laugh out loud. What I was quickly coming to realize is that NO ONE is immune to what the world has out there. We were trying hard to figure out how to navigate our way through so many emotions.There was only one way to survive and that was going to require all the faith we could muster.
   And...we WERE fine. Isabella Lyric was born on December 23, 2009. I know for a fact that all of Heaven rejoiced at the birth of this baby. She was planned from the beginning of time. So we did as well. Life with Lyric started becoming more familiar and joyful. We soon began planning Josh and Anna's wedding. It had originally been scheduled for July 3rd of 2010.Due to the situation at hand we moved it to January 23,2010. We hit the ground running. Trying to find the place, the decorations, dresses and everything else that comes with a wedding. Looking back on it we pulled off a beautiful wedding. It was a celebration. A celebration of two people that loved each other with their whole hearts. It was a celebration of two people that were meant for each other since the beginning of time. God had ordained the union of Josh and Anna. I believe that to this day. What they were about to go through would test everything they believed in. It would test the whole family.
   As the weeks went by excitement grew as we found out there were 2 babies instead of one. They were immediately named and we watched with anticipation as Anna grew larger and larger. But it was not meant to be...at least here on earth. April 9th started as any other day would. In fact a trip to the doctor confirmed that all was well with the boys. Up to this point we were pretty sure that we had been through and survived the very worst. Surely we would not be put through anything else. I'm not sure why we thought that. We are no different than anyone else that has been through tragic events. So as most of you know the end of this story, Anna and Josh lost tate and Liam. We all lost Tate and Liam. We lost more than just the boys physically, we lost hopes and dreams and birthdays and milestones. Anna and Josh left the hospital empty handed. NOW we would begin the hardest journey ever. Just how strong was our faith?
   Back to my home is St. Louis. As I stood at the kitchen counter with my dad helping me cut  fruit, I felt an overwhelming sadness.I wanted answers. This was the place and the people I had always come to for answers, prayers and encouragement. I wanted someone to explain to me why all of this had to happen. This wasn't ever how I saw our lives playing out. It had been  4 & 1/2 months since the boys died. Paul and I had been so busy making sure that they were ok and that Clark and Laura were surviving that we somewhat forgot to grieve. THAT has started now for me. There is a heaviness I can't explain that often overtakes me.There is a longing to see the boys that I can't explain. There are so many unanswered questions. I wanted answers.
   I looked at my dad (the man who knows EVERYTHING. I know that for a fact.). "Dad, I'm really trying to figure out what the Lord is trying to teach me through all of this. I'm not feeling so strong lately tho everyone around me thinks I am. I feel certain they would laugh if they knew how weak I really am."  I began to cry somewhat uncontrollably (the ugly cry). Daddy looked across at me and said these words, "Lou, have you ever stopped to think that perhaps it isn't necessarily what God wants to teach you as much as how much Satan would like to destroy you?" Wow...no, that had not occured to me at all. Dad went on. "Lou, you have a strong faith. It's what's gotten you through everything. You're still standing. You always present an upbeat front. That's not you Lou...that's the Lord. HE is who your strength is. That doesn't sit well with Satan. He'd like nothing better than to see you and Paul fall flat on your faces. He'd love to see you renounce the Lord and be angry that the Lord dealt you this awful hand." THIS, friends is why I go home. Every once in a while I need good, old fashioned pure truth spoken to me. I need (even at 53) my dad standing across the counter from me speaking wisdom with a pure heart. I have been blessed beyond measure through the years by and through the wisdom of this Godly man. He has loved me when I was not worth loving. He has stood beside when I know it went against his own convictions. He has NEVER changed. Much like my heavenly father. My heavenly Father that died on a cross for me so that I COULD survive life and tell people that HE is my reason for hoping, loving,believing and surviving. I can't really explain it but I feel as tho the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. I refuse to let Satan have that hold on me. My grandsons are with their Heavenly Father. I have no doubt that I will see them someday.  Lyric is the icing on this proverbial cake for us. She is proof that God didn't leave us empty-handed. He left us blessed. Very blessed.He continues to bless us in so many ways. He never leaves us and on those days when I'm just not sure I can go on...I will rest IN Him.So Lord, I'm tired and I know that you know how many hairs are on my head and care enough to count them. I also know you WANT my sorrow and my grief and my confusion. So here it is Lord. Here I am, Lord.
   He's willing and waiting to do that for you as well friend. All I can say at this point is.."Get thee behind me, Satan. I have some praising to do and YOU ARE IN THE WAY!"
   So my trip back home was well worth it. Home usually is....and That's what I've learned along the way...


p.s. Daddy, you are one of the best treasures God ever gave me. You are so very loved!

The past few days of "life" have been a blur. With the excitement of my daughter turning 20 there were plans made for her celebration. Nothing big, a trip to an amusement park with her dad and a friend.Cake and presents when she returned home.You know...the usual. It's the "usual" that took a wild turn. Upon the return home, Laura broke out in hives from head to toe. Her breathing changed and things changed quickly. Gifts would have to be looked at and appreciated later. Off to the hospital we went. Long story short...we are still on (what I like to refer to as) Mr. Toad's Wild ride that I'd really like to get off of. I've never cared for wild rides but for some reason God has used this circus atmosphere to yet again TRY to teach me something. Question...(sorry Will Howlett, I had to use it and you said that using it in print was ok) what exactly would that "something" be? In the words of my father..." I have a sneaking suspicion..."
As I have shared in a previous post my daughter Anna and son-in-law Josh lost their twin newborns back in April. We have all grieved and are still grieving. Yesterday, August 5th was Anna's original due date. To some you would not think it was or should be a momentous occasion. To Anna and Josh it was a reminder that their arms are empty along with the dreams and hopes they had for the boys.For the rest of us we sat and watched the day come and go with sadness and anger. BUT...August 6th came as well. The tie-in? you ask...
The tie-in as i see it is this. Life. We didn't ask for more days but for some reason God has seen fit to continue to give them to us. Some are good and others are NOT,but they are LIFE.
Life hasn't made a whole lot of sense to me lately but one thing I have noticed is that it has FORCED me to continually call on Him, ask for His guidance, RELENQUISH all that troubles my heart and mind and TRUST that He knows whats better for me than I do. So life goes on...and life is MEANT to "go on". It is meant to be lived, not survived. It has a purpose and a mission. The Bible tells us to go into ALL the world, preach the gospel, tell people about Jesus and let them see Him in you. (obvious paraphrase)
So back to what I'm supposed to learn. Some of this lesson may be that even in ALL things I should show and give OBVIOUS thanks. Yes...even in the hard times. Truth be told, I am not good at that. OR perhaps someone watching needs to see my faith. Not just the faith I have in hard times but the faith I attempt to LIVE by. I DON"T know what the lesson is and I may never know. But as I sit here yet again with Laura in the ER I am only slightly thankful (He's still refining me...remember?) that I have been given another day to "live" not for me but for His purpose.
p.s. God, Could you at least slow this ride down? It would be greatly appreciated.....and that's what I've learned along the way.

Glad to See Me, Lord?

Sunday began for me at 6 a.m. There were green beans,dessert and ribs to be put in the oven. The house was FULL of company. All 5 bedrooms were full and the living room was sporting an air mattress with Benjamin and Meredith Carter sound asleep. As soon as those things were accomplished I rushed upstairs to get ready. I reminded Paul that the Carter's needed to use our bathroom to get ready so we would need to hurry. And hurry we did. At 8:25 we ran out the door and headed to church to arrive for praise team practice. Twenty minutes later we went to Sunday School where Paul is the teacher. The lesson was on "INTEGRITY". Interesting lesson. I even added my "two cents worth".(that's about all it's worth) At 10:25 I left Sunday School early to run to the bathroom, save my seat and meet in the music room with the band and praise team for (of all things) prayer. Prayer that would ask the Lord to bless our efforts, lead us into worship and gude Micah as he preached.
As the service began I proceeded to check out the congregation. You know, taking attendance, wondering where was this person and that person, maybe I should call and check on them later and on and on and on. It wasn't really until the 3rd song that it dawned on me...Lord, you comin' today? I haven't invited you, haven't consulted you and certainly haven't considered asking you to join us...me...as I am supposed to be at YOUR feet. I have taken precious time to entertain my guests, cook for my guests, love on my guests but absolutely NOTHING to welcome the SPECIAL guest into worship this morning. Sure, everyone would appreciate all my hard effort for lunch but would WHAT I was bringing to the foot of the cross be worthy of the recipient it was inteneded for? I think not. He had been put on the back burner. Much like good old Martha. Well intentioned, yet a very lame offering. So as we sang the song "Thank You For The Cross", I became keenly aware of just THAT. The cross. What if God had been in the hurry I was in on the morning of the crucifixtion...what if He'd had better things to do...what if He'd prioritized me the way I had Him? There would be a much different ending to this story.
I love how God often chooses to come to you. In a loving,merciful and caring way.  "Kerry, what are you doing? I've been waiting all morning to get your attention.You've been so busy you've had no time to prepare for ME." He was right. My definition of "getting ready for church" was really out of whack. I wasn't ready for Him in any way, shape or form. Are you like me? I hope not. He deserves so much more. MY Lord WANTS to spend time with me. He WANTS me to sit at His feet and worship Him. Wow...the funny thing is that there is absolutely NOTHING I have done to deserve that kind of love. NOTHING. And yet, He waits patiently every Sunday and throughout the week for me to meet Him. Kind of a sobering thought...the Creator of ALL the Universe wants to spend time with ME.It's really up to me here.Is this really that hard of a decision? I think that from here on out....I will try to prepare better to meet Him on His terms. So I guess the question remains...ARE you glad to see me, Lord?  And that"s what I've learned along the way....