A Different Place
Those of you who read my blog know that it has been quite awhile since I penned anything. There's a reason for that. Most people know me as a pretty carefree soul. Often flying by the seat of my pants. Always up for something fun and laughter is one of my favorite activities. Lately that hasn't been the case. Life has seemed heavy and full of a sadness I cannot lift. Anna, Josh, Charlee and Everett live with us at this time and I often say that the sound of Charlee coming up the steps yelling "Mimi, I'm coming…it's me Charlee Belle!" is the reason I raise my head off the pillow every morning. Lyric and Kora are here on a daily basis and Laura and Braden will bring Oliver into the world in May. Funny how the Lord KNOWS what you need to get by. The reason for this sadness creeps into every part of my being and at times is so overwhelming I find it hard to breath. Some of you are aware that my precious momma suffers from dementia. It is a cruel disease and no one on the face of the earth should have to live through it. But…millions are and do every day. My dad cares for my mom at their home. It is no small feat. He is 87 years old. SHE is the love of his life. He is very protective of her and will be so forever. The patience and love he exhibits is amazing. In the past few years of witnessing this disease that is stealing my momma's memories I have also been extremely blessed to see first hand how a godly marriage should be. Talk about sacrificial… My dad would hate that I used that word but I can think of no other better word to describe what I watch. He is so very careful to protect her honor and dignity. She is first in everything he does. EVERYTHING. He still looks at her with the love in his eyes of a 21 year old. He has loved her all of his life and HE is the most familiar thing left in HER life. During a visit I said to dad "Aren't you ever angry dad that THIS is how life is ending for you and momma?" He looked at me somewhat perplexed. His answer was humbling. "Lou, she is the love of my life and whatever our days are like…they are days that I get to spend with her. No, Lou I'm not mad. I am blessed. Honored to be allowed to love her like she loved me…sacrificially…all those years. There's no anger…just thankfulness." I wish I could say that I am to that point but I struggle with all of this. Bottom line…I miss my momma. She no longer knows me as her daughter. That doesn't stop me from treating her like my mom though…just makes the sadness heavier. I have been privileged in a strange way to be blessed by my father's actions towards my mom. For years I watched my mom take care of my dad as he provided for us. Don't get me wrong…it was always reciprocated by my dad but in a different way. His family has always been a priority when it came to providing for us. They had very traditional roles. Couldn't be more thankful for that. So as usual in my writings…I will ask the obvious. Where am I going with this? As a believer I am told in scripture to give thanks in all circumstances. I stink at that. In my mind I have always interpreted that as being "glad"for all things and to be totally honest "thankfulness" isn't what comes to mind for me when thinking about my momma. However, in recent months the Lord has been teaching me something new. (Imagine that.) He has taught me that in my darkest of days I CAN still praise Him. Does that mean I have to jump up and down and raise my hands in song or tell anyone who will listen that I'm thrilled to carry such a burden. NO. What it means is that He is meeting me in a different place as of late. He is meeting me in my sorrow when I cry out in sadness. He is carrying me to wonderful memories of a wonderful mom when all I can see is today. He allows years of wonderful good times to flood my mind and memory. When tears are all I have to offer His mercy wraps around me like a blanket and calms my spirit. He has drawn me to Him in this sadness. As Amy Grant's song says, our broken, desperate cries to Him are "better than a hallelujah sometimes." The Lord knows my sadness, my grief and my despair. I have never needed Him more than I do right now in my life. Thankfully He knows that too and has not left my side. What are you dealing with today? Are you afraid? Discouraged? Saddened? Brokenhearted? I personally fit all of those adjectives. And you know what? I'm ok with that. The Lord is ok with that. He has known since the beginning of time that my life would be what it is. He ordained it. I believe that with every fiber of my being. He also knows how I struggle to trust and lay this at His feet. For THAT I an also so very thankful for. HE. KNOWS. ME. In Deuteronomy 31:8 the Bible says this "The Lord himself goes BEFORE you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." In the meantime I will continue to treasure the memories of days gone by. I will continue to be thankful for the momma the Lord saw fit to give me. I will continue to rest in His mercy. Without it…tomorrow doesn't matter. "Lord, thank You for the gift of my precious momma and dad. Thank You for the example of amazing love ordained by You that they have for each other. Thank You for allowing me to watch how you bless us even in our sadness, worry and despair. Thank You that You go before me. There is much to be thankful for Lord and today I will meet you in that different place and we'll talk. Just like we do everyday and You will calm my heart for you know me so well. Thank You Lord." And that's what I've learned along the way.
